I don’t think that I am alone in that I feel things from your past should stay in your past and not fuck up your present. I learned that from a fortune cookie. But then Henry Louis Gates had to go and get arrested for being black and break into his own home. What a fucking asshole.  

After the infamous “Beer Summit” between Gates, President Obama, and Cambridge police officer James Crowley, the nation and my nosy-ass girlfriend decided that sharing a brew is the best way to resolve a conflict.  

There comes a time in any young man's life when he begins to discover the differences between men and women. During this confusing time, the young man's parents will attempt to provide guidance on the subject. For me, this fateful day came following a manufacturer-recommended mattress rotation, from whence my mother stumbled upon a well-worn copy of "Butt Lust" and an inexplicably stiff Nerf Turbo.

By the time Randy Parker was done counting backwards from 100 – and well before he could exclaim: “Ready or not, here I come!” – he had already asked a nearby group of older campers if they wanted to go for a bike ride. And that was right before suggesting a brief fishing trip and the possibility of having a rock-skipping contest, among other things.

Ryan Keller is 10 years old.  He attends a respected parochial school.  His parents are successful professionals with advanced degrees.  He looks as normal as you and me.

But the dumbfuck can’t even read this sentence.

The astoundingly stupid child has both his parents and teachers flummoxed.  In a recent class, the halfwit attempted to read aloud from a textbook.

“C- C- Cow?”  Ryan babbled.  “Is it cow?”

The word was “malfeasance.” 

Wow.

Here are some out-of-office auto replies that I wanted to leave up this week, but simply couldn’t for fear of losing my job:

5.) I am out of the office; I like that you’re going to be inundated with this message each and every time you send me something, even if you’re just sending it to a team alias that my email address is listed on … Technology FTW!

4.) I am out of the office; in other news, why does your baby look so mad all of the time?

Hey, guys. Mare here. So I’m totes mortified that I’ve had this horrifying “Virgin Mary” nickname for like, evsies! It’s been 2,000 odd years and here I am, still rockin’ this ridiculous name.  Did you know there’s even a prayer that calls me “Mary, Ever Virgin.” Ever.  If I hadn’t already died and done the whole assumption thing, I would totally be like, dying right now. Curling up and F-ing dying.

Today, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced the United States is the winner ofthe 2009 Great Satan Award.  This is the 30th consecutive year America has taken home the coveted “Satie.” 

Accompanying the award, the Ayatollah also released his now-famous “Top Ten Reasons The United States Is The Great Satan.”  The new list, updated yearly, explains why he chose to honor America once again.  The list features some familiar faces, along with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

The bombshells continue to stream out of Alaska.  Friday’s announcement that Sarah Palin would resign as governor of the 49th state was only the beginning.  Today, Palin ended speculation about her future plans.
“Abortions.  And lot’s of ‘em.”

Prior to today’s announcement, some pundits believed Palin was clearing her schedule in order to prepare for a 2012 run for the White House.

That’s a nice new TV you got there. How long did you have to save up for it?  I've been saving up for a big purchase too. No, not a new TV or a new computer. I've been putting away a quarter a day for the last two years in order to host an international summit between my penis and shit ton of international whores. Why you ask? Because the Olympics are coming, you silly billy!   

Wow.  I don’t know what you said to that dude, but he is seriously pissed off.  He totally wants to kick your ass.
How do I know?  He’s staring right you and he looks like he’s ready to murder somebody.  No!  Don’t turn around.  Shit, he saw you.  He’s more pissed now.

Well you must have said something!

Jesus.  He’s pounding those beers.  He’s had like six since you got back from the bathroom.
You talked to him in the bathroom?  What’d you say?