Beth Nooniapolis

Gale Cullen and Carol Watkins had met at Wendt Playlot Tuesday evening for what was supposed to be an enjoyable play date for their toddler sons Ethan and Jacob, both 3 years old. What started as a pleasant afternoon conversation quickly turned into a heated, passive-aggressive squabble as both women relayed how smart their children were.

The play date marked the ladies’ second encounter after first meeting at the Boystown Whole Foods while shopping for organic foods and vitamins for their offspring.

Wicker Park resident Sheila Ellenberg desperately scoured the Chicagoland area looking for a something exotic, something cutting edge … something …in a unitard. Ellenberg found sweet release when she stumbled upon the American Apparel on Belmont and Wilton and saw the retailer's array of brightly colored spandex hanging from the walls.

“I needed something that said ‘I’m here to party; I’m a stone cold fox; and society will never understand me,” explained Ellenberg.

Clergy of Saint Clement Church in Lincoln Park held their third annual Blood Tasting Gala on Wednesday. While mingling with other parishioners, area churchgoers sampled a broad array of hearty, robust reds. The velvety libations that once filled Charles Shaw bottles and Franzia boxes were transubstantiated into the blood of Jesus Christ.

“Fast and Furious,” the fourth installment of the gritty “The Fast and The Furious” film series, was released Friday noticeably devoid of modifiers, articles or any other preceding words to describe or establish definiteness. The film opened to a confused audience asking, “Wait; is this a rerelease of the first one?”

Billy, my dear half-Mexican/ half other stuff fiancé, given the fact that we will soon be married, I promise to refrain from saying and doing the following as a testament to my true love for you. I hope my past culturally insensitive “hiccups” do not cause you to question my devotion to you. I love you.

Roscoe Village resident Rob Burkowitz spent Tuesday night scouring the internet for a round, graphical image to effectively depict his inward angst and hate.

“I was watching ‘Nights in Rodanthe’ with my mom, caught between hating myself for crying when Richard Gere realizes he can love again and hating myself more for having a boner,” said Burkowitz, “When I thought this feeling must be captured somehow.”

Look Here-Shiny Things! Association (LHSTA), a Lakeview-based nonprofit organization that provides assistance to children afflicted with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), was forced to shut down their two-week retreat for ADD sufferers due to the insensitive naming of their camp.

“I am outraged that they never even considered the Holocaust when organizing this event,” said Jewish Defense League (JDL) Morton Stienstein. “It’s a slap in the face to Jews across the nation and the entire community of Barrington."

Barack Obama visited Dodge Renaissance Academy on Tuesday to speak to a dozen grade schoolers. Accompanied by Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Arne Duncan, Obama’s recently announced choice for secretary of education, the President-elect fielded various questions from the inquisitive children.

Former vice presidential candidate and current media harlot Sarah Palin is shifting focus from her failed run for the White House to her presidential platform in 2012.
“I’ll tell you what,” said the lovable simpleton, “I don’t need those meanies in McCain’s camp. Todd and I are already assembling our galactic military to go to space and get those stinkin’ terrorists. Or as I call them Extra-terroristrials!”
She then leaned over to the closest reporter and proudly asked, “You get that terrorist quip?”

Lori Cranston and Ted Bowman are happily in love. Their riveting and passionate saga began three years ago at a bar at North Ave. Beach.

“I definitely wasn’t looking for love,” said Cranston. “It was just a regular Saturday with my girlfriends, checking out an 80s cover band at Castaways.”