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Lincoln Park – Area resident Dave Steckle, 26, suddenly had to pee late Friday night at Frank’s Bar in Lincoln Park.  “He was talking about the car he had in high school, then bam, he gets up and trots off to the bathroom,” said Vince Teninty, who was bartending when it happened. “I don’t think anyone really saw it coming.” Jenna Veerhoof, who made out with Dave later that evening, blames it on the economy. “Well, the recession is so bad and people are losing their jobs.

After Becca Robowsky’s boyfriend excitedly told her about the positive effects of genital grooming, the Lincoln Park resident took fate and small manicure scissors into her hands. Striving for the same pride evident on her mate’s face, Robowsky scaled back her love forest with care and anticipation.

“I didn’t even know exacerbating the size of your privates was popular until Eric [Patterson] marched into the living room to show me the results of his manscaping,” said Robowsky.

Raven-Symoné Christina Pearman, known professionally among tweens as Raven-Symoné or Raven, has been charged with vehicular manslaughter following a June 1st arrest in which she struck and killed a pedestrian in Burbank, California. Raven-Symoné maintained her innocence citing that the action was contradictory to her persona or in her words, “so not Raven.”

The Chicago Sun-Times, as evidenced yet again by an article covering Patti Blagojevich this week, considers Facebook walls and status messages to be viable sources for journalistic articles, according to Colonel Tribune, the Chicago Tribune’s Twitter.

“Hey @Suntimes, way to source off of Facebook and be a legit news source http://tinyurl.com/l9jqlk,” tweeted @ColonelTribune @Suntimes.

Not only does the brilliant actor-turned-hoax rapper look and act like a bearded terrorist, according to a recent release from Al Jazeer News Services, he actually is one.

You can’t expect someone with a name like Joaquin to walk the straight and narrow his whole life; apparently he is the mastermind behind this pre-recorded freestyle plot of terror, which was uploaded onto CNN not too long ago.

Timothey Cutchens, part-time volunteer for Alderman Vi Daley of the 43rd Ward and full-time white, unmarked GMC conversion van owner, was caught this week spray painting the words “Official Business” on the side of his van while parked outside of Hawthorne Elementary school during recess times. This marks the second alderman-related outrage this week, as the 44th Ward’s Zodak Yonan was caught skirting around parking fees. Similar to Cutchens, Yonan placed an “Official Business” sign in his dashboard, thus eliminating any questions from police officers or parking officials.

Just days after Eminem announced he was flying 200 autoworkers to Hollywood for a taping of late night talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Kid Rock declared he will be gifting recently laid-off auto manufacturers with a trip to the west coast as well.

Not to be outdone by his fellow Detroit-raised entertainer, Robert James Ritchie, AKA Kid Rock, publicly claimed that he plans to take 20 Detroit locals who’ve fallen on hard times to a taping of zany daytime talk show “The Bonnie Hunt Show.”

In light of Manny Ramirez's 50-game suspension for a drug that his doctor did not know was banned, the FDA has developed an "MLB approved" sticker that it will be placing on every single thing in the world that is not banned by the MLBPA in order to clear up confusion.

Local fucking moron Jim Stanz has decided that he enjoys warm weather more than he enjoys cold, because he’s really fucking smart.

“Chicago in the winter kind of sucks,” said Stanz “But you wouldn’t fucking know that in the summer. People are out pretty much everywhere.”

Apparently, local fucking morons are just now realizing that warm weather is preferable to the wintry destruction that is Chicago. Local dipshit Liz McGee totally agrees on the issue.

McDonald's is about to unveil another new creation in the upcoming months to anxiously watering mouths after nearly eight years of leaving their customers stewing on the massive success of the Big N Tasty. As Hardee’s, Burger King and other chains have had success with their Angus burgers lately, the Oak Brook-based chain will be revealing its new competition, The Angus Deluxe very soon. But for this burger, which will no doubt explode boundaries in the burger world and blow minds in the entire carnivorous universe, isn’t there a more creative name?