C.J. Arellano

Barry Schertzer, the 29-year-old twice-convicted rapist hiding in your bedroom armoire, has seen all of the Best Picture nominations for this year's 81st Academy Awards ceremony.
      

Facebook was evacuated four hours ago after 37-year-old Derek Reeves updated his status to read, "Derek Reeves has a bomb." As of this writing, three Facebook users are still trapped inside with Reeves; their exact location in the popular social networking website is unknown.

Users were notified of the evacuation via a mass Facebook message stating, "At 10:16am EST, reports were received that a user may be brandishing an explosive somewhere within Facebook. Please stay calm, sign out of Facebook, and exit your browser."

Have you ever hated someone so much that you wished you knew pottery just so you could send this person a giant clay middle finger? Well, I do. That person is you. I think you are awful. Upon your birth, flowers wilted. When children look at you, parents are forced to explain that there are dark forces in the world. You are the opposite of Christmas. You are pestilence revised into a human being. You are horrible, and few people like you. I hate you for three main reasons: First, I hate the way you compose yourself. Second, I hate your goals, dreams, and achievements.

Money. With money, you can buy all the books you ever wanted. All the scented candles. You can buy perfect, genetically engineered puppies with big eyes and no excretory system. You can pay for the excavation of favorite dead celebrities. You can buy a swimming pool in the shape of your winking face. Don't you love money?