Dexter Carmichael

Former Guns and Rose’s drummer Steven Adler has finally found his sobriety. Ironically, he can thank the very reason for his drug abuse—Axl Rose.

“I listed to the new GNR album, and it really sucks,” said Adler. “I am so glad I’m not involved with it.”

Adler increased his already rampant drug use after getting kicked out of the band. It was a downward spiral that nearly killed him.

“I used every day,” remembered Adler. “I tried to forget the pain. It was tough to watch their success.”

Adler resented getting dismissed from the band for excessive drug abuse.

Every football player knows they are risking bodily harm when they step onto the football field. For Minnesota State junior Jumanjo Jones, that risk became a reality last Saturday afternoon.

Jones laid motionless on the field in the third quarter of Saturday’s Division II playoff game at the Metrodome. The senior wide receiver landed awkwardly after celebrating a routine first down during his team’s lopsided 47-10 loss.

“That was a big catch,” Jones said. “It got us across the fifty yard line for the first time.”

Hi,

First, let me compliment you on your H3. It’s a sweet ride, and it definitely shows you’ve achieved great success in this world. Also, that Bluetooth headset looks expensive. Did you get that at Sharper Image? Anyway, the reason I am writing is because your blatant moving violation really screws with my day, and I need you to change your ways.

Hi,

I was excited to see your name show up in my inbox. I haven’t talked to you in awhile. We both are caught up in the rat race, and it’s sometimes hard to keep in touch. That’s why I’m so glad you took the time to drop me an e-mail.

But you didn’t send me a personal e-mail. You simply mass e-mailed everyone in your contact list, and sent me the biggest waste of time this side of The Hills. I guess I should have seen this coming. 

Do you know who scored the most points in the NBA during the 80s? It’s not Michael Jordan, or Larry Bird, or Magic Johnson. Not Kareem, not Isiah, not Moses. It’s Alex English. Why do I tell you this? Because Alex English is sorely underappreciated as an NBA legend, and in Hollywood, Kurt Russell is Alex English.

Hi,

You probably don’t know who I am, but I am your average gym member. I’m not a workout addict by any means. I don’t grunt when I bench press, I don’t blast my lats, and all of my shirts have their sleeves. However, I am no novice either. I know how to use all the equipment, and I am pretty efficient in my workout. I go to the gym with a plan, rather than wonder around aimlessly and hope that I achieve physical fitness through osmosis. Basically, I look like I belong.