Emily Donahue

Brain, liver, you’ve been working together for a while now after my nights of drinking. About 13 years, to be exact. Our trifecta has been through a lot together. Years working in the bar industry, months spent in Germany, the Big City Tap. And we’ve gotten along swimmingly throughout these and other hardships. But when did you get together and decide that three drinks is a good amount for the go ahead into a morning hangover? And why didn’t you tell me first? Jerks.

Several weeks ago I chose to splurge on some new bras, which is a fairly expensive venture. Because I hate getting measured every time that I bra shop (I’m 26; I think my “development” is done and we’ve pretty much nailed down the size by now) and generally hate dealing with people when feeding vices, be it boobs or beer, I chose to shop online.

It’s been two months since I spent three hours on that cover letter and another two on the five attachments I included, and I honestly had nearly forgot about you, Dream Employer.

Hi, I’m one of your semi-regular customers. I come in approximately four times per month, sometimes to purchase cigarettes (when I allow myself to be an official smoker instead of just rudely bumming them off of my friends) and other times to purchase a six pack of decent beer. I generally don’t want to make much conversation, and I usually have a general game plan as to what I’d like to purchase. It’s a fair relationship that we have where we exchange a few bucks to fuel my vices.

It’s been four years since you first started e-mailing me. We’ve been through a lot – dodgeball and kickball during the childlike days of yore. (As P. Wentz would say, Thanks for the Memories!!) A few beach volleyball championships have peppered our time together, and that unsuccessful stint into intermediate flag football proved a strain, but we still made it through.(I came back to you for a successful season of beginner touch, and I never even looked back.) So we’ve certainly seen a lot of tragic co-ed losses and even more free pitcher offers at Sedgwick’s.