Lester J. Jones

Patrons and employees alike at the Lakeview-area concert venue Beat Kitchen were shocked on Thursday night to see sound technician Raymond “Ray” Augustan get off his lazy ass. Details of the incident are still trickling in, but witnesses report seeing Augustan physically lift himself off his barstool, step towards the stage and possibly even plug something in.

In an unexpected move by up-and-coming neo-pop rock band Kaja Goo-Gatch!, the band has activated sentient guitar pedals and destroyed civilization as we know it. The move, which came early in their set at the popular West Town concert venue The Hideout, set off a nuclear holocaust from which mankind may never recover. Details are still emerging from the few survivors.

Hundreds of protestors filled Daley Plaza to demand legislation regulating hemorrhoid cream packaging. At issue is the similarity between the way hemorrhoid creams and toothpastes are packaged. Protestors advocated large pump bottles for dispensing hemorrhoid cream.

Friday’s State of the State address, delivered by Governor Rod Blagojevich, was redacted from the public record in its entirety.  Those in attendance, including members of the State Assembly, the Illinois Judiciary, and esteemed local politicians, expressed shock at the appalling language with which the governor described his agenda for the upcoming year.

A black man, identified as Jesse Jackson, Jr., has been indicted in connection to the attempt to sell the US Senate seat recently vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.  With a black man behind bars, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been exonerated of all charges.

Federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald told reporters that the break in the case came while reviewing countless hours of audio tape collected from electronic surveillance of the governor’s home and office.