Moe Lester

MoeLestation is gripping the nation.  America’s youth is surrendering its innocence as more and more people fall victim to its overpowering charm.  It’s hard to avoid getting caught up in the hype. 

I say, why fight it?  At least, that’s what I try to tell myself.  But this other, stupid part of me wants to raise his wimpy little hand and make a point about humility.  That’s why it pains me to admit that I’m a total narcissist, but I’m not perfect.

The continuing economic downturn has claimed yet another victim: happiness. Disneyland today announced that last month’s layoffs were merely the first casualty of a complete overhaul for the California-based theme park. “Right now, it’s more financially prudent to conserve our remaining happiness rations,” said Disney CEO Robert Iger today. “In this economic climate, we simply can’t afford to be happy anymore.”
 

Bracing themselves for a future without batteries or solar energy, Texas Instruments today announced the release of the TI-TA calculator, the first device to be powered entirely by teen angst. “I started working on this project over thirty years ago,” Texas Instruments CEO Tom Engibous said at a press conference earlier today. 

Three weeks after being confirmed as President Obama’s Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is still adjusting to her new position. “Assuming such a prominent role in the administration-- did you know it’s the highest ranking cabinet official-- has given me some rather lofty and unforeseen responsibilities,” the former junior senator from New York said from her Washington office Wednesday.

After a two month stand-off in which approximately 300 members of Congress were killed, Barack Obama today claimed what he believes is rightfully his:  America’s throne. Citing a “mandate of the people,” Obama seized power and installed himself as the latest monarch of these United States. His initial plan to parade George W. Bush’s head atop a pike around Washington D.C. was thwarted by an unforeseen pike shortage. It appears pikes are yet another victim of the recession. (Most of the other casualties have been money-eaters, or “cashivores,” who can only subsist on a diet of U.S.

When Edward “Bear” Grylls started the popular Discovery Channel series “Man vs. Wild” in late 2006, he merely intended to show the general population how to survive being stranded in the wilderness. He never expected Mother Nature to surrender.

But, after three and a half seasons of Grylls’ forays amongst her flora and fauna, that’s precisely what she is prepared to do. At a press conference scheduled for 3 p.m. this afternoon, the world’s untamed, harsh terrain will officially concede defeat to humanity, to be represented by Grylls.