Peter Nezer

I know which McDonald’s commercials are targeted towards me, a young, successful Caucasian man edging ever closer to a family life in the suburbs.  I know that commercial about the kids being excited when “dad” cooks because it means that he brings home Chicken McNuggets is teaching me how to be a parent.  The commercials that talk about how kids can get carrots in their happy meal instead of fries is for me, the father of a 3-year-old boy getting ready to go to preschool as I get ready to buy my first house outside the city.  I know that the advertisements about the new line of salads and

Well the economic turmoil has finally hit the best consultant alive.  A recession is when your neighbor loses their job, but a depression is when you have to pack your own lunch for work.  I haven't reached that point yet, I'm not poor, but I have been forced to tighten up a little.  I still eat out for lunch at a restaurant where I can be waited on, but appetizers only in the second half of the week.  Yesterday at a nearby trattoria the waitress took my bill and asked if I wanted change.  I said, “Yes, that's why I voted for Obama.” She laughed and surely proceeded to enjoy her 18% tip.

Last time I showed you how to look big in meetings by cussing, but once you get everyone's attention you better be able to hold it by looking smart. Business is not about winning friends and influencing people, it's about winning money and influencing people. And the best way to do that is to use bigger words than those people. I don't say “create” I say “engender.”  I use “purview” whenever possible. I accuse of people of hyperbole, capriciousness, and prevarication if they are being multiloquent.

There are too many pussies working in the business world today and sometimes you gotta make sure that everyone in a meeting knows that you are not a pussy. That's why I always make sure to drop an f-bomb in the first ten minutes of a meeting so that everyone knows that I'm a hardass.

Thanks for asking, fellow management consultant, I am eager to share with you the fact that it is cold enough for me. Even though that statement is inherently meaningless, I feel a bond with you that is deeper than it was 30 seconds ago; our interests clearly dovetail nicely. I have some other thoughts about the weather, if you would like to continue this conversation. I can make some insights about the recent weather that I have developed in the elevator ride up to our office when alone. Additionally, I have some predictions that I read on the Internet. Where you ask?  From weather.com.

Yes that’s right, it’s not Jesse Jackson, Jr. as the news is reporting. And it’s not Tammy Duckworth as no one was thinking. No, the mystery candidate who was willing to pay top dollar for Obama’s Senate seat is me. Pay to play. That’s just the way it is. You can’t play for free! If you could play for free, the Chicago Sport and Social Club would be out of business.

You have got to be kidding me. You are like 14 years old, and you are supposed to open that door in the event of emergency?! You're not even listening to the flight attendant describe what you have to do if we crash because you've got your iPod Nano on and are listening to Gym Class Heroes. No, I didn’t look at your screen. The whole damn plane can hear your shitty music; you have it turned up so loud on the headphones that your mom bought for you, you entitled prick. Are you even allowed to fly unaccompanied?

I work in an office building.  A big, tall, fancy office building.  It’s in the financial district.  It’s nicer than your office building.  I pass through a metal detector to go to work.  My lobby ceiling is 30 feet tall and has plants.  The revolving doors to my office have heating in them.  The finishes are all marble.  The girls that work at the security check-in are hot.  So yes, I work in a pretty fancy building, as you might expect for the best management consultant alive.  My company has the top ten floors of that office building.  Our re

I know you know me for my management consulting skillz, but I got news for you, I ain’t spent a dime of this consulting money. No, I’m still spending my I-banking money from ’98. Best consultant alive, I know, but I learned my hustle in the street: Wall Street. The I-banking life is tough. I know ‘cause I lived it while you just wrote about it, pussy. I’ve been there bull and bear. I been chased by the police and shot at three times: two in the chest and one in the arm. I started at the bottom, watching the street corner in case the SEC rolled down the block.

Nice shirt you got there. It’s got a little guy on a horse on it so that everyone knows Ralph Lauren sewed it himself. Fuck that shit. I’ve got a Polo logo the size of my 12” dick. That’s right; my Polo logo is bigger than your Polo logo. I might as well ride into Durkin’s on a goddamn horse with a polo stick and order a whiskey for me and a Bud Light for my horses. Just kidding, I don’t drink that Dutch shit anymore. My horse can have a goddamn Coors light and tap the fucking American Rockies while I tap your girlfriend’s ass on the back of my Polo horse.