Tina Durkin

So you like that peanut butter and jelly sandwich I made you? Really? I wouldn't have been able to tell. You know why? Because you are an ungrateful little midget whore. I agreed to babysit your pink veloured hoodie little ass for a week while your mom jetted off to her useless sales seminar not because I thought it would have made me Aunt of the Year. I did it because I owed your mom a favor from when she caught me blowing your Uncle Andy's nut in your mom's Subaru while she was picking up "a few key items" at Jewel and left us in the car.

I regularly ride the Brown Line. I'm talking about the actual, literal Brown Line train, you fucking pervs. Shockingly, I'm generally a patient person when it comes to riding that packed hell mobile because of the nature of this mode of mass transit.

We need to stop this whole "reason for the season" bullshit. When I lost my job as a U.S. Cellular customer service rep, I thought this whole recession thing would get me out of getting gifts for people. Fuck as all hell, I couldn't be more wrong.

So I'm on the rag, and I could tell the whole week of nonsexical action was making my boyfriend, Andy, pretty tense. So before we went to bed the other night, I gave him a pretty fucking awesome blow jay. And you bet your ass I did a damn good job. I've been bulking up on the Cosmo and downing extra doses of boysfood.com, so I had a whole new set of tricks up my slutty little sleeve.