Truck Thurman

Ryan Keller is 10 years old.  He attends a respected parochial school.  His parents are successful professionals with advanced degrees.  He looks as normal as you and me.

But the dumbfuck can’t even read this sentence.

The astoundingly stupid child has both his parents and teachers flummoxed.  In a recent class, the halfwit attempted to read aloud from a textbook.

“C- C- Cow?”  Ryan babbled.  “Is it cow?”

The word was “malfeasance.” 

Wow.

Today, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced the United States is the winner ofthe 2009 Great Satan Award.  This is the 30th consecutive year America has taken home the coveted “Satie.” 

Accompanying the award, the Ayatollah also released his now-famous “Top Ten Reasons The United States Is The Great Satan.”  The new list, updated yearly, explains why he chose to honor America once again.  The list features some familiar faces, along with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

The bombshells continue to stream out of Alaska.  Friday’s announcement that Sarah Palin would resign as governor of the 49th state was only the beginning.  Today, Palin ended speculation about her future plans.
“Abortions.  And lot’s of ‘em.”

Prior to today’s announcement, some pundits believed Palin was clearing her schedule in order to prepare for a 2012 run for the White House.

Wow.  I don’t know what you said to that dude, but he is seriously pissed off.  He totally wants to kick your ass.
How do I know?  He’s staring right you and he looks like he’s ready to murder somebody.  No!  Don’t turn around.  Shit, he saw you.  He’s more pissed now.

Well you must have said something!

Jesus.  He’s pounding those beers.  He’s had like six since you got back from the bathroom.
You talked to him in the bathroom?  What’d you say?

EVANSTON, IL -- Local clown Rob Daugherty, aka “Giggles,” is changing the way we think about clowning.  Giggles enjoys entertaining children.  And that’s it. 

The unusual clown, who has been performing for years at birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and grammar schools, has not once been convicted or even accused of a crime.  Needless to say, area residents are mystified.

From coast to coast, Americans are celebrating one of the greatest upsets in soccer history after the U.S. national team defeated the #1-ranked team in the world on Wednesday.

"We got Shaq!" Cleveland resident Jason Kaufmann said of the 2-0 victory over Spain.  "With LeBron and Shaq on the same team, the Cavs are a lock to win the NBA title next year."

Minneapolis native Jim Migely was equally excited as he discussed his newfound love of soccer.

"The Vikings are probably better off with Brett Favre," Migely said.  "But then again, he's 39.  It's a gamble, I guess."

Lovers of pop music and small children mourned the loss of their hero today when Michael Jackson, 50, passed away in Los Angeles.

"From "ABC" to "Man in the Mirror", I loved everything he did," said Omaha resident Eileen Corzine.

Art Tilson agreed.

"He built an amusement park on his compound just to attract little kids," the convicted pedophile marveled, "The man had talent."

The so-called "King of Pop" was rushed to UCLA Medical Center early Thursday afternoon and died shortly thereafter.

At an Indianapolis park, Erin Galvan remembered "Jacko."

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had appointment sex with a prostitute.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attempted to sell the Senate seat vacated by the President of the United States.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared for a week to carry on an extra-marital affair in Argentina.

Acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson has seen enough.

Citing his success in ruining the premiere of “Joe Buck Live,” comedian Artie Lang has opted to be insulting to Americans on a person-by-person basis.

“For years, I’ve been insulting people en masse thanks to my role on the Howard Stern Show,” the recovering heroin addict said.  “But lately, I prefer sabotaging a person’s happiness face-to-face.”

“Seeing Joe Buck collapse before my very eyes,” the 350-pounder went on to say, “Well, there’s nothing like the personal touch.”

Cleveland resident Jim Rosenkotter was shocked to be whistled for a foul while buying groceries.

"I was just picking up some pretzels at Kroger," said the father of three. "As I was putting them in my cart, I accidentally bumped into LeBron James.  Suddenly, [NBA referee] Joey Crawford leapt out from behind a Fritos display and called me for a reach-in."

This is becoming a common scene in northeastern Ohio.