A Recap on the Hilarious Quips I've said this Week

Some of you out there may be thirsty for some more of ole Drew, and I’ve got a nice cold pounder coming your way: me, Drew himself, about to recap some of the hilarious jokes I’ve cracked over the last few weeks. I should have gotten the nose to the grindstone a bit sooner on writing these down, but I’ve been busy grinding somethin’ else: my gears! Plus, this commute between the Will County Courthouse and the Will County Jail is killing my knees. Come on guys, let’s take the Metra so I can at least have a brew on the way between my standup comedy shows. We’ve got dozens of folks and hundreds of cameras waiting to see what the ole sack of charm’s about to say, and you won’t let me social lube it up with a fine, summery Corona Light? Of course, I’m starting to think that these guys in blue (which I am, by the way) don’t even understand my jokes. Whatsamatter fellas? Jokes about prison food and the other kind of lady killin’ (sex havin') over your heads? Uh oh, DING DING; looks like this truth train just started goin’ express!

So I don’t know how many of you listen to Mancow in the morning, but I hope it’s enough to make that 9-minute collect call I made from jail worth his while! (Three? Four?) Here I am, minding my own beeswax, going back and forth reading the Bible and “He’s just not that Into You” and I figure, “Hey, you know what my fans on Facebook want? Jokes!” So in case you missed that phone call, let ole Drew give you a bit of a recap. (Spoiler alert: I’m a real card!)

So, here’s my foray into topical humor. I jumped right into the pop culture pool, and don’t worry, the water’s warm. (Seinfeld, did you pee while you were in here?) I’m just gibbering and jabbin’ back and forth with Mancow himself (ole Drew, rubbing elbows with the big guns!) and you know what I throw out there? "$20 million bond. Legal fees: tens of thousands. Being falsely accused of a homicide that didn't happen: priceless.” I don’t care who you are, everyone likes a good spoof of a Mastercard commercial. And what’s more priceless than throwin’ in a joke or two about my dead wives? That, my friends and Facebook fans, is a good ole Drew-style goof.

Here’s another one I’ve been working on and didn’t get to say because the prison guards threatened to stop letting me pray so dang much in jail if I didn’t get off the phone. “So, Drew Peterson walks into a bar… and gets life in jail!” I’m still perfecting that one, but you see fictional Drew, he walks in, does nothing wrong, and gets thrown into the slammer, just like the real Drew! Of course, the subtext of that joke is that it happened to be at a bar where a few people did actually die, but it was not at all related to Drew, but I'm still not A+ on how to fit that in smoothly.

Here’s something else I’ve been cookin’ up: Don’t you think Scott Peterson is kinda bummed now? Few years back, when you heard the name Peterson, you thought of that crazy SOB who killed his wife Laci when she was pregnant and then got frosted tips to celebrate. No mo of that, Joe. Now you think of a mustachioed squire with devilish good looks and the wit to match. Which reminds me: Did I tell you that I finally pitched my reality TV show “Win a Conjugal Visit with Drew”? God, I am such a cut up. Which God knows, because he gave me my sense of humor, and he and I happen to be very close. I mean, here I am, just a few years back, offerin’ a hitman $25,000 to kill the wife, and before I go and waste that dough, God goes and drowns her of natural causes! AMEN!

Uh-oh, looks like it’s time to head to the day job over at the Courthouse again. Give Drew some shoulder pads, cuz he is a workin’ woman! Ha! Right. I’m too smart to be a woman. We got a bleeder!