After Three and a Half Seasons, Wild Prepared to Concede Defeat to Man
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When Edward “Bear” Grylls started the popular Discovery Channel series “Man vs. Wild” in late 2006, he merely intended to show the general population how to survive being stranded in the wilderness. He never expected Mother Nature to surrender.
But, after three and a half seasons of Grylls’ forays amongst her flora and fauna, that’s precisely what she is prepared to do. At a press conference scheduled for 3 p.m. this afternoon, the world’s untamed, harsh terrain will officially concede defeat to humanity, to be represented by Grylls.
“I’ve been around a long time,” Mother Nature said in an interview conducted earlier this week, “and I have never seen a man so singularly determined to survive that he will destroy anything and everything is his path ... often unnecessarily so. I’ve witnessed him swing snakes and lizards against my trees for far too long. If this will stop the bloodshed, I’m happy to forfeit this contest. The man is insane.”
Mother Nature went on to list some of the survival tactics, many of which she considers “atrocities.” “He’s fashioned a shelter out of a camel carcass, squeezed drinking water out of elephant feces and killed countless grubs by eating them alive. Hell, the man killed a snake and then used its corpse as a canteen for his own urine, which he later consumed ... willingly. Who the fuck does that!?”
The maternal personification of the forces of the wild also took exception to the impracticality of Grylls’ methods. “He claims the show is designed to inform travelers of what to do should they get lost in the wild. Does he honestly believe Tommy Tourist is going to scale a precipitous rock face, kill a venomous reptile and then stick his dick inside the thing just to have the privilege of later drinking his own piss? I wouldn’t even do that, and I’m Mother Fuckin’ Nature!”
Mother Nature admits that she isn’t accustomed to losing and considers what Grylls has achieved to be an upset of monumental proportions. She does, however, remain adamant that his techniques are occasionally excessively destructive. “All I’m trying to do is graciously bow out of the competition before another dead animal is used as a flotation device like that innocent sheep. I was under the impression that the show would be one of those, kiss-your-ass tributes to my majestic beauty and shit. You know, something like the Planet Earth series, where I’m the main attraction. Then this homicidal maniac with a flint, a knife and army training comes along and starts eating raw zebra flesh like a savage.”
This disappointing outcome had Mother Nature reminiscing about her previous triumphs. “Whatever happened to man fearing and respecting the deadly force of a boa constrictor or being in awe of a sunset? Have you seen one lately? They’re still enough to make even megalomaniacs pause for a moment and consider their relative insignificance. Bear Grylls even said as much on a recent episode … shortly before eating a camel testicle.”
When asked about future plans, Mother Nature was rather ambiguous and pessimistic. “I don’t know what I’ll do now. I suppose I’ll try to relax, maybe watch a documentary on the Native Americans. Now there’s a group of people who appreciate me in all my splendor.”
“I don’t even know if Grylls will cease taping his show, there are no guarantees,” she said. “That’s the problem with this younger generation. It’s not enough to act reverent toward me, or to simply survive my harsher landscapes and environments. They have to shake their genitals in my direction every chance they get by making a slurry out of animal entrails or some shit. It never ends.”
