All Governors Insane
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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had appointment sex with a prostitute.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attempted to sell the Senate seat vacated by the President of the United States.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared for a week to carry on an extra-marital affair in Argentina.
Acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson has seen enough.
"My research indicates there is a direct correlation between governorship and insanity. At this point, it's unclear whether these governors are insane prior to taking office, or if the very act of governing brings about the condition.
"Either way," Galson continued, "These people are lunatics."
By order of President Obama, a state-of-the-art facility has been constructed -- a hybrid of insane asylum and maximum security prison -- both to study the governors and to protect the public from their unpredictable behavior. Over the past 24 hours, all 50 U.S. governors were rounded up and strapped to beds at the Huey Long Hospital for the Gubernatorially Insane.
In response to critics who argue the Surgeon General is going too far, Galson laid out his case.
"Look, Blago's trying to do reality shows. That blind guy from New York who replaced Spitzer -- did you know he and his wife are swingers and coke heads? Now this joker in South Carolina is traipsing off to Buenos Aires to cheat on his wife."
Galson paused and shook his head.
"And have you seen this Sarah Palin lady? I thought she was a just character on Saturday Night Live. Turns out she's real! She's actually calling the shots in Alaska!"
The Surgeon General took off his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose.
"Lock her up. Lock 'em all up."
Already, there has been one escape.
Early this morning, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger broke the necks of three of the orderly-guards who maintain the hospital-prison. The actor-turned-governor then scaled a 60-foot high fence and dove head-first into the moat surrounding the facility. "I'm not crazy," Schwarzenegger reportedly screamed as he fell, "I just have an accent." The governor then swam 500 yards through shark-infested waters before safely reaching the other side.
Stripped to the waist and covered in a thin layer of mud, Schwarzenegger held an impromptu press conference with reporters gathered on the shore.
"As a member of the executive branch," he said, "I must fulfill my duties... and execute!"
He turned and looked directly into the camera.
"I'm coming for you, Galson."
At that moment, a Black Hawk helicopter swept over the scene and pumped a steady stream of bullets into the former governor.
The Surgeon General addressed the escape attempt.
"It's a shame about Mr. Schwarzenegger," Galson said. "He was a good actor. He really was. But he was also a crazy, crazy governor. Our nation is safer today."
Schwarzenegger's rotting corpse continues to lie where it fell, serving as a grim warning to the remaining 49 governors of the dangers of trying to escape.
