Beer Summit Between Me, Ex-Girlfriend, the Asshole she blew on my Birthday, and my Stepmom Less Successful than Anticipated
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I don’t think that I am alone in that I feel things from your past should stay in your past and not fuck up your present. I learned that from a fortune cookie. But then Henry Louis Gates had to go and get arrested for being black and break into his own home. What a fucking asshole.
After the infamous “Beer Summit” between Gates, President Obama, and Cambridge police officer James Crowley, the nation and my nosy-ass girlfriend decided that sharing a brew is the best way to resolve a conflict.
The ambush that awaited me as I walked in my front door made me feel like a Storm Trooper on the 4th moon of Endor. I walk in and fuckin Ewoks start shooting arrows at me. But instead of Ewoks it’s my whore of an ex-girlfriend, that schmuck from Ski Chalet who sold us our skis and then let my whorish ex blow him for the next 8 months, and my stepmother who had already raided my medicine cabinet. And of course, my current lady standing in the corner like Grand Moff Tarkin.
My girlfriend notices my confusion and decides to explain why three of the main reasons I drink in the morning are standing in my living room. "Booker, I was watching CNN and Anderson Cooper said that the president held a beer summit for two guys who weren't getting along. So they had a beer and now they get along again!" She said with the excitement used to surprise a child with the news that they're going to Disneyworld.
We sit down at the kitchen table. To my right sits Cherise, a 23-year-old dumb-as-bricks hot Mormon who I dated after college. She wouldn't drink soda, but she loved to blow other dudes while we were dating. Who knew that soda was frowned upon but jizz was kosher? Next to Cherise is Chaz from Ski Chalet. He sold me and Cherise some skis for a vacation. While I was paying for them she blew him in the back room. He’s also a part time lifeguard in the summer.
My step mom Judy sat across from me. She has a daughter named Sharifa. Judy likes to get drunk and once told us that we if we decided to bang she wouldn't have a problem with it. She went on to explain how back in the old country, cousins would fuck regularly. It was a magical Thanksgiving dinner. My current girlfriend is sitting to my right, grinning like a special needs kid who just farted.
My girlfriend starts the summit.
"Thanks so much for coming you guys! It is super nice to meet you Cherise and Chaz. Judy, always nice to see you." Judy interrupts her long enough to drop some racial slurs that haven't been used since the '40s.
One Beer In
Cherise: So Booker, what’s new?
Stepmom: He got fired for looking at porn at work.
Me: And for smoking a joint with the janitor behind the loading dock.
Chaz from Ski Chalet: If you need any more pot, I sell part time.
Cherise: He also got promoted at Ski Chalet to assistant daytime manager.
Stepmom: That’s terrific Chaz. My daughter Sharifa got promoted to Barista at Starbucks. Booker, you could do a lot worse that a girl like Sharifa.
Me: I told you already Judy; she’s 16 and is a lesbian.
3 Beers In
Girlfriend: I’m starting get a little bit of a buzz. I usually only drink wine at church.
Stepmom: Booker, when are you going to date a girl of your own faith?
Me: And what faith would that be Judy?
Stepmom: I told you to call me mom.
Me: And I told you to stop referring to me as your gay stepson at social and family functions.
6 Beers In
Cherise: Booker, I just want you to know I feel terrible over how things ended.
Chaz from Ski Chalet: I still don’t know what I’m doing here.
Me: You're here because my ex-girlfriend was banging you for eight months. Six of those months was while we were dating.
Chaz from Ski Chalet: We were dating?
Me: No, WE were not dating. You were banging my girlfriend for six months.
Chaz from Ski Chalet: That sounds about right.
Cherise: He's an amazing musician.
Chaz: I also work at Ski Chalet.
10 Beers In
Chaz form Ski Chalet: Did I tell you that I was a songwriter also? I’m gonna play you a song called "I have a 10-inch penis."
Girlfriend: You're so talented Chaz.
Me: I will do whatever I have to to get you all to leave my house right now.
Stepmom: Sharifa was voted the most bangable girl in her school.
Me: If you don’t stop trying to hook me up with your daughter, I’m going to punch you in the face, Judy.
Cherise: The Mormon Church frowns upon violence, Booker.
Me: I can't hear you over the sounds of you gagging on a "10-inch penis."
Cherise: It really is a huge penis.
Girlfriend: I wanna see.
Stepmom: Me too!
12 Beers In
Chaz form ski chalet: I love the faucet in your bathroom.
Me: Well then why don’t you go fuck my faucet?!
15 Beers In
Girlfriend: We're out of beer, which means the summit is over. I think it was a huge success.
Chaz from Ski Chalet: I’m wasted; does someone want to give me a ride to work? I rode my bike here.
Me: How could you dump me at my grandpa's funeral?
Stepmom: Your grandpa was faggot.
Me: Grandpa was not a faggot! Will you stop calling everyone gay?
Stepmom: Bang your stepsister and you have a deal.
Me: You are the worst mother of all time.
Cherise: I told you that we weren’t going to work because you weren't Jewish.
Me: You're fucking Mormon!
Cherise: Doesn't mean I don’t respect the Jewish people.
Me: You are goddamn whore.
Girlfriend: *glug, glug, glug* (sound of my girlfriend blowing Chaz from Ski Chalet)
Hopefully next weeks Acid Congress between my inappropriately hot cousin, the family cat, and my boss during her monthly visitor goes as well.
