Mail Sack… Sack

Dear Virginia,

I read your article about the rumored fare hike and then it actually happened. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the Brown Spot is all fake, right?

Bewildered at Belmont

Dear Bewildered,

Dude, I’m just as shocked as you are. Here I thought I was just boozing and slopping some mess together to keep the powers that be off my back, and I come out looking like friggin’ Nostradamus. Ain’t that some bullshit? My next article is going to be about getting with a 6’9” brown-skinned Adonis with all the right moves and a little more action downstairs than the statue alludes to if you know what I mean.

What’s Up Ocho Cinco,

It’s so cold outside right now that witch’s tits are trying to fly south. Every day I leave my house with so many layers on only to get on the train and realize that it is hot as all balls. Imagine if you take all the ball sacks in the world and put them on one train car. Seriously, it’s just that hot! I don’t need the train to mimic my descent into the hell that is my job. What’s up with all the heat?

Sweaty Going South

Dear Layered McSweatsalot,

I hear what you’re saying, believe me. I put on my full length puffy North Face coat with the scarf and the hat and the gloves and the Ugg boots just like everyone else I know. Though for me it’s not because it’s cold but more so because I don’t have an original bone in my body, and I desperately want to be like every other Trixie in the neighborhood.

Hey Ginner,

I’m sitting here with your granny and we wanted to tell you how much we adore your little articles on the online. We wanted to ask that you not use the F word so much because it’s not very lady like. How do you ever plan to marry with a mouth like a filthy sailor? You know, your little cousin Carrie is getting married next summer. Maybe you should wear dresses and put a little rouge on your cheeks. That helped her out a lot because Lord knows she didn’t get our beauty genes… poor thing. Also, do you need any ideas for articles? The COTA system here in Columbus is a shit show. Your grandmother doesn’t think that I should use the word shit but I think it goes along well with your crap theme. Anywho, we love you. Call us soon!

Kisses,

Auntie & Granny

Hey Auntie & Granny,

You really have to stop e-mailing me here because my editor is going to make me respond every time, and at this point it’s just plain embarrassing. Also, I’ve broken my baby toe and have been strongly advised by my doctor to stay in Chicago this Christmas and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He mentioned something about the travel prolonging the healing process. Dang and I was really looking forward to seeing everyone including Carrie and her fucktard of a fiancé.