Ron Huberman Says GFY to CTA for CPS

Well, it’s official Ladies and Sperms. Mayor Daley announced this week that the new CEO of Chicago Public Schools is going to be the old jerk face President of the Chicago Transit Authority, Ron Huberman. Hey Richie Rich, good call guy! Seriously, and I’m not saying this to be an ass, but while you are making a horrible decision that will undoubtedly affect the lives of millions of innocent children in Chicago, you are quite possibly un-fucking up the CTA. On behalf of the Public Transportation Riders of Chicago, which is apparently an association now that I’ve capitalized it, I say thank you.

It is about damn time you did something right by this city’s public transit commuters. This is your opportunity, Mr. Mayor, to make us a little less bitchy for a change. Put someone in charge that at least knows something about public transportation. Ron Huberman is being celebrated for his great managerial skills, but Christ I’m good at managing retards too! I was an assistant manager at Dairy Queen one summer during college and kept the place from burning to the ground. That’s some real résumé shit right there, but you don’t see me running around and telling people I’m qualified to run the CTA.

I’ve got an idea. How about you bring in someone that isn’t connected to Chicago? Maybe dilute the gene pool a little? The Metro in Washington, D.C just got the shock of its life during the coronation of King Obama and they are getting rave reviews. That could totally be us! Even someone from Japan could make a huge difference. I wouldn’t mind some strange man shoving his hands up my backside if it meant I was going to get to work on time. I don’t hear any of the gay Asians in San Francisco complaining about BART, and between us, they complain about everything.

As for the parents of young children in Chicago it really sucks to be y’all. Mostly because you’re starting to realize that you definitely would have been much better off had you gotten that abortion you always wanted. On top of that, the price of the mystery meat on your child’s lunch tray will soon go through the roof. Bummer.