Drew Peterson's Dating Tips: How to Catch a Lady

As we all know, my wife recently ran off with another man, which has left me a fairly lonely gent with a pretty decent pension.

I announced earlier this week that my next 23-year-old soulmate and I have finally decided to pledge our love for each other before the eyes of God and the aggravated media. Now Drew, you may be wondering, how do you have so much luck with the ladies? Ole Drew’s got some secrets and tricks up his sleeve, so he’s written a book to help you: Average Joe Only Divorced Twice/Widowered Once. I want you to have the same luck that I’ve had throughout my five marriages. So here are a few tips for you to take to the grave.

Be coy about your past. No one wants to be bogged down with past relationships. Talking about girlfriends, wives and mistresses will only make you sound like someone stuck in former relationships. Make sure she knows that you’ve moved on, and you’re ready for your next victim. Go get em, tiger!

Keep an open mind. Yesterday’s highschooler can easily be today’s fiancé. Age and marriages are just a number.

Hang around The Promenade in Boilingbrook. I always hang out around the Kay Jewelers to see what sort of ladies might be gazing at wedding rings, possibly crying about past relationships and eager to move on. And as we all know, every kiss begins with Kay.

Why not have a little fun in your search for love? The Topher Grace hit "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" personally inspired me. Nothing riles up young ladies like a little healthy competition.

Grow a mustache. They’re a sign of virility and power. All the great ones had em. Selleck. Danson. Stalin.

Wine em and dine em at a nice fine dining establishment. I recommend the Bar Louie at The Promenade. Or, if she’s under 21 still, then just take her over to Johnny Rockets. Everyone loves a milkshake and some doo-wop!

Take her out, buy her shots, woo her! Women and girls alike love to be pampered. Why not take yours out for some tequila and a possible unplanned pregnancy? Nothing says marriage potential like a young girl you knock up.

Play some hard to get, but get creative. Instead of the age-old “I’m not into a relationship right now” why not beef it up a bit? “Sorry, I’m still a suspect in my fourth wife’s still open possible homicide and am still being questioned for the possible drowning death of my third wife” is one that I’ve been trying out lately, and it’s got the girls drooling for ole Drew. Let the girls know that you’re a bit of an enigma.

Always be mysterious. Slowly revealing your true personality is much more attractive to women than laying it all out there that you have partially abusive tendencies and were recently released on charges for illegally owning a sawed-off shotgun.

Be a real cut up! Ladies love to laugh. I like to send clever little Internet memes to the girls that I date while they’re at work/school. This sort of thing hits harder with the younger crowd and makes you seem even cleverer. Here’s a good example.

Listen to what she has to say! It’s amazing what an open ear, honest heart and a technically clean federal criminal record can get you.

Surround yourself with an interesting crowd. Women love to be around a man having a good time, especially when it’s with your old Boilingbook precinct that’s been helping you through a rough homicide investigation. Everyone respects someone who has a loyal crew!

Be playful. Seduction often comes in the form of male confidence coupled with exceptionally low female self-esteem. Everyone’s looking for that next high, and ladies love being teased with a bullet going near their head.

But above all, let her know that she’s the one and only person that you’ve had eyes on. Women are flattered to know that you care so much for them that sometimes it just makes your heart squeeze so very tight that it feels like you’re about to die, or that someone near you is. True love can be a lot to handle.