Dumbfuck Can't Read

Ryan Keller is 10 years old.  He attends a respected parochial school.  His parents are successful professionals with advanced degrees.  He looks as normal as you and me.

But the dumbfuck can’t even read this sentence.

The astoundingly stupid child has both his parents and teachers flummoxed.  In a recent class, the halfwit attempted to read aloud from a textbook.

“C- C- Cow?”  Ryan babbled.  “Is it cow?”

The word was “malfeasance.” 

Wow.

Initially, Ryan’s parents tried to hide from the truth.  It’s not easy to admit your child is a dipshit.

“Ryan’s teachers said he squinted at the blackboard,” his mother Ann recalled.  “We thought he might have a vision problem.”

The Kellers brought their idiot son to an optometrist for a eye test.  The result?

“20/20,” said Dr. Gavin Mitchell.  “Ryan’s a lucky boy to have such great vision.”

Translation: This kid’s retarded.

“He’s not retarded,” Ryan’s teacher Lucy Chambers agreed.  “We discovered Ryan has a learning disability that affects his ability to read.  There are thousands of otherwise intelligent children who have very specific learning disabilities like Ryan’s.”

In other words, Ryan is one dumb motherfucker. 

“That’s not what I said,” Chambers added.

Ryan’s fellow fourth-graders are equally disgusted by him.  Appropriately, they have ostracized the abomination.  One of Ryan’s many enemies, Danny Hillman, 9, couldn’t contain his hatred.

“Ryan is my best friend,” he sneered.  “He’s really smart too.  I don’t know why he has trouble reading.”

Classmate Emma Schreiber described the Lord of the Flies-like rituals she and her friends employ to keep Ryan outside their social circle.

“Ryan’s the coolest kid in our class,” she said, barely concealing the murderous rage in her voice.  “We always want to play with him.  He’s so funny.”

So only one question remains: What to do with a friendless, incurable imbecile other than count the days till he’s cannon fodder in our next ground war?

“We have Ryan in some special classes right now,” principal Sister Jeanine Anderson said, almost laughing out loud at the thought of the human trainwreck.  “We’ve had a lot of success with kids who have his type of dyslexia.”

And the fun doesn’t stop at reading.  Math teacher Evan Garrett was observed this week working with students on their multiplication tables.

“Does anyone here know 8 times 9?” he asked the class.

A certain brain-dead child’s hand shot into the air.

“72,” Ryan sputtered incorrectly.

Some people are hopeless.