Economy Admits Sex Addiction
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In his first public appearance in over two decades, the ubiquitous, mysterious entity The Economy called a surprise press conference yesterday morning. He was joined at the podium by Smokey the Bear, legendary fire-prevention icon and The Economy’s long-time spokesbear.
Wearing a tattered robe and sunglasses, the emblem of systematic classicism agreed to take questions after delivering a short statement. “I’m just gonna come out and say it. I … have a real problem keeping my financial dick out of my market-place pants. I’m a sex addict, people. There. I said it. I can’t stop fucking.”
The crowd immediately broke into a frenzy of follow-up questions urging The Economy to expand upon his confession.
"Look, alright? At my age, you just don’t expect to have the kind of sexual resurgence I’ve enjoyed lately. I’ve always had the appetite, sure. But I mean, I’ve been fucking people like crazy. Left and right. Rich and poor. Wall Street and Main Street. I haven’t had this much fun since I was in the late 20s. Then, you know, you start thinking more about it. That big word—regret—starts coming to the surface. I realized … I can't regulate myself. I need help. I never even thought about, let alone used, protection, and, you know, that can really affect people. I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but when you get fucked by The Economy, it’s an experience that might last a whole lifetime. Sometimes I forget that."
As members of the press continued to shout questions at The Economy, Smokey the Bear took the microphone and implored that Americans recognize that only one person can help The Economy recover from such rampant sexual addiction.
“It’s up to you. I’ve been working with The Economy in many capacities for a long-while now. Trust me. He needs more than forgiveness—that’s just a bail-out. He’s an addict; he needs counseling, restructuring of his life. I mean, hell, I’d do it, but I’m just a damn talking bear with a shovel. I can’t even find a shirt to wear in the morning, let alone save The Economy. It’s up to you.”
In an apparent moment of self-mockery, Smokey chuckled, removed a pack of cigarettes from beneath his hat, lit a cigarette, took a long inhalation, and then, while blowing out the smoke and speaking in an affected voice, said, “Only you, it’s up to you, only you, blah, blah, blah!” He then turned to The Economy and asked, “You gonna pay me this week, Econ? This is the only thing standing between you and my shovel, you know that, right? It’s a bear market these days, I’ve got options. I’ve got options.”
