Former Waitress Resigns Over Speculation On Unclaimed Tips
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Just three days after accepting an assistant manager position at local pub The Bleeding Farthing, Candace Myers formally announced her withdrawal, citing “grave concerns” over unclaimed taxable income following a stint as a summer waitress.
Myers, 23, previously served in a variety of Chicago restaurant roles, forging amicable relationships with owners and wait staff alike. Her hiring was the first step in a planned overhaul of The Bleeding Farthing, set to begin an internal audit stemming from long-running, expensive battles with health code violations.
A group of middle-aged men, each nursing cans of Old Style, clamored to the bar counter to witness Myers’ statement. Wearing a skirt and heels, Myers addressed the room while casually walking along the counter and occasionally pushing aside the heavily callused, trembling hands of smitten male patrons.
“It is with great regret that I withdraw my name from the position of assistant manager. I support Mr. Gottlieb’s vision for The Bleeding Farthing and believe my current situation would both distract and prolong necessary change.” Myers then turned to walk the opposite direction. “Also, I’ve met someone.” Gasps raised tensions in the bar and Myers stood still for a moment, clearly choosing her words. “And that person … is me.”
Amidst a cloud of confusion, Myers descended the counter and immediately proceeded to exit the bar.
“I brought her in to fight the rats, yeah,” commented The Bleeding Farthing owner Henry Gottlieb. “And it’s a bummer, real bummer, you know? Candy was my top pick. Guess I made a mistake. I probably interviewed seven hot chicks for that job, and she was by far the hottest. I mean, when she first walked in, I wasn’t sure. But when she walked out, and I could watch her ass move like pistons in slow-motion, totally unimpeded by social judgment, I knew she would make a great assistant manager.”
Part-time “Jack-hammer Operations Specialist Coordinator Director” Neddy Hossa, 52, agreed with the general state of disappointment.
“From what I hear good out of my left ear—-right one’s shot, long story—-Candace had a serious rapport with the bar, restaurant and even bar/restaurant community. That ain’t easy to do. And I should know. They still pay a guy at Weber Grill to make sure I don’t come within 100 feet of that place.”
After ordering another beer and a shot of Jameson, Hossa added, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s 200 feet. I pay the guy, too, so it’s kind of a non-issue.”
Many estimate Myers’ untaxed income to be in the hundreds.
