Guitar Pedals Achieve Consciousness, Destroy Humanity
![Lester J. Jones](http://brownspotonline.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/Author/photos/Fat guy.jpg "Lester J. Jones is a renowned Chicago-based aural artist and critical analyst. In addition to his highly-acclaimed electro-acoustic exhibitions and his pioneering work in hyper-sonic muzak, Mr. Jones is also president of the American Foundation for Music Criticism. His forthcoming book, "Cram This In Your Ear Hole," is a collection of his writings for the Brown Spot.")
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In an unexpected move by up-and-coming neo-pop rock band Kaja Goo-Gatch!, the band has activated sentient guitar pedals and destroyed civilization as we know it. The move, which came early in their set at the popular West Town concert venue The Hideout, set off a nuclear holocaust from which mankind may never recover. Details are still emerging from the few survivors.
“We were midway through our cover of Sk8ter Boi,” explained Chicago-based Kaja Goo-Gatch! drummer Neils Heilgaard, “when all the gear started shorting out. I guess [rhythm guitarist] Sven [Gildeberg] turned on his new pedal from Cyberdyne. The thing is supposed to be wicked awesome, but it apparently became self-aware and decided to eliminate our species.”
The pedal, called Skynet 2029, is a multi-frequency thrash modulator with USB-compatibility for direct uploading to CyberdyneRock.com. Reports vary, but several survivors have speculated as to the exact settings used by Gildeberg to initiate the extermination of civilization. Speaking his last words from beneath a pile of rubble, Brown Spot Technology Editor Seann Green said “He must have turned the ‘face-melting shred-amplification’ and ‘sonic annihilator’ knobs to at least 11.”
Cyberdyne released a statement from its hardened bunker in northwestern New Mexico saying that “Misuse of Cyberdyne products nullifies all contracts and warrantees as stated in the end-user license agreement.”
