I Can’t Believe that it’s the 15th Day of the Month of Nisan Already
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Dude, if you offer me pizza again I swear I’m going to punch you in the face. No, this is not an idle threat, this is a real threat. I’m sorry; I’m going through bread withdrawal. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had any bread? 24 hours! That’s over 1,440 minutes of yeast-free torture. That means no beer, or pizza, or pretzels, or anything else that is delicious.
Let me explain. A few thousand years ago, Egyptians and the Jews were all buddy buddy. But after a while the Egyptians decided to set the trend in making the Jews their bitches and boom, the Jews were slaves. So the Jews slaved around for a while, building shit and the whatnot. Eventually they got sick of the shitty hours and poor health plan and decide to peace out.
The Egyptians didn't take the breakup well. But it was an abusive relationship, and if we've learned anything from Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna it’s that you can only take so much abuse before you get your head slammed into a dashboard. Wait, that’s not right at all. Anyway, the Jews fucked up all the Egyptians shit. They fucked up their water, their crops, and even gave them all herpes.
The night before the Jews got kicked out, the Jew god decided to kill all the Egyptians’ first born kids. I know, it sounds extreme, but the Egyptians did it first so it’s all good (you'll notice this logic reappears throughout Jewish history).
Jew god told his peeps, "Yo, I’m totally all-knowing, but I got plans tonight and I’m gonna have to send someone else to kill all the kids. He's new and he doesn't know everyone’s names yet, so do him a solid and put something up to let him know you're a member of the tribe. What do you think about socks on the doorknob? No good? Then just put some lamb’s blood on your door. Yes I know that will take a lot of lambs. I don’t care where you get them. Hey don’t take that attitude with me; I'm trying to save your ass. Why do you always pick fights with me? What do you mean we don’t spend enough time together? I'm fucking everywhere! Fine, we'll go to a movie or something. I don’t know when, sometime soon. Look, I'm about to go into a tunnel and I’m gonna lose you so just remember to put that blood on your door. Or don’t. Whatever. I don’t care....pains in the ass."
So like a new mother with PPD, the new guy killed all the Egyptians’ kids and that was enough to get the Jews kicked out. On their way out they remembered to grab the secret recipe to giant unsalted crackers. It was right next the GPS and in hindsight, that probably would have been more useful. The next 40 years of wandering pretty much sucked.
So to commemorate the Jew god fucking with the Egyptians for a week and then committing infanticide, Jews everywhere now replace all their daily bread use with shitty crackers called matzo for a week. You’re saying it wrong. Mats....zah.... fuck it; just say Mazda and we'll know what you mean. So if you see a Jew who is a little cranky, you'll know why.
