I Just Can’t Shake this Embarrassing Nickname!

Hey, guys. Mare here. So I’m totes mortified that I’ve had this horrifying “Virgin Mary” nickname for like, evsies! It’s been 2,000 odd years and here I am, still rockin’ this ridiculous name.  Did you know there’s even a prayer that calls me “Mary, Ever Virgin.” Ever.  If I hadn’t already died and done the whole assumption thing, I would totally be like, dying right now. Curling up and F-ing dying.

You pop out one son of God as the result of miraculous non-sex and all the sudden, you’re a virgin forever. God gets cool nicknames like “The Almighty.” My son gets to be called “Lord” and “Savior.”  And that Mary Magdalene got to be this mysterious, trusted confident of my son who palled around with the disciples and was considered a total fox. Now I’m considered the sexless loser while she’s starring in Dan Brown novels turned Tom Hanks movies! She’s on pg. 17 of Us Weekly and I’m the person people think of to expel dirty thoughts of their calculus teacher.

Why don’t they just call me “World of Warcraft Mary” or “Jar Jar Binks Mary” or “Rollerblading Around My Mom’s Driveway on Saturday Nights Mary” or “One Player Wii Mary” or “Harelip Mary.” I could go on and on, obvi.

I used to be fun, you know. I wasn’t weighed down by this silly moniker my entire life-slash-afterlife. I used to be called “Good Times Mary,” “Proud [Whore] Mary,” or on rare occasions “Sexually Permissive Mary.”

I was having a great time with my much older, ruggedly sexy BF Joseph and then BAM! Mysteriously impregnated by the creator of the earth with my hymen still intact. Not exactly the easiest sitch to deal with. Try being a young teen with that story following you around. 13-year-olds today are just scared that someone will find the maxi pad in their book bag and Tweet about it. Try getting pregnant without the sudden attention from guys for being easy. You’re just a big, fat, pregnant Virgin. You think any guy – Gentile or Jew – wanted to get to second base with the innocent girl who made a pact with God to be his pure surrogate? Hells naaaw. FML.

But it’s all good now.  Because I F.  Bitches, I will show up in a water mark under a bridge or in your grilled cheese sandwich in an extremely provocative position! You know how many time Joseph and I had sex after this happened? 736 times.

… Make that 737. A little too real for you?