Manny Ramirez Declares himself Superior to Murderers, Rapists
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Late last week, addressing his fans and the apparent concern that he may have gone on a murdering, raping rampage at some point during his suspension, LA Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez declared that he "didn't rape nobody, and didn't kill nobody." The outfielder is closing out the final weeks of his suspension for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs, and he is reminding the public of the many things that he hasn't done.
"I didn't take any white babies and put them on a grill until they were cooked to a tender medium well temperature and were nice and brown," continued Ramirez. "Or any babies for that matter."
As reporters quizzically watched Manny be Manny during the impromptu press conference he called in front of a California Pizza Kitchen, Ramirez continued to list crimes that he did not commit.
"I didn't vote yes on Prop 8, or no, cuz I didn't vote at all. I've only dabbled in high-level racketeering, and only once had Pop Rocks with soda," said Ramirez. "I never cheat at Crosswords, either, because I never do them."
"I've never kidnapped anyone. I don't fart in church. I always fill up the Gatorade machine if it's getting low. I take out the trash from the dugout at least once a year when the batboys refuse. I rarely, if ever, throw a pop fly after a second out in the bleacher seats for a fan's souvenir only to watch runners advance due to my massive idiocy. I dislike the Twilight series."
Ramirez continued with a 10-minute long list of various crimes and indiscretions he hasn't committed, leaving very few felonies and misdemeanors unmentioned. When one reporter in the crowd asked Ramirez if he was also better than child molesters and arsonist, he had no comment.
