North Pole Company Goes South
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At a last-minute press conference near his vacation home in Bermuda, Santa Claus confirmed suspicions of his fledgling North Pole Toy Factory and publicly stated his intent to file bankruptcy.
"This isn’t an easy thing for me to say," said a teary-eyed Claus, uncharacteristically down-trodden. "But I don’t have a choice anymore. The North Pole Toy Factory can no longer afford to build and transport presents based on the whimsy and dreams of the world’s children.”
The announcement comes just ten days after Claus’ stocks plummeted to record lows amidst rumors of an elfin strike. Although the rumors failed to materialize, the stocks did not recover, forcing Claus to file Chapter 11. Still, after centuries of providing wish-fulfillment to the joys of millions, the Toy Factory’s bankruptcy surprised even the employees.
“Shit, I remember once in the 30s, we all put on Santa suits and hand delivered cans of Spam,” remarked Nick the Elf, 244, a long-time Factory worker. “Sure, wasn’t much, but it was something. Half our reindeer had syphilis; we had to walk from house to house. Never went bankrupt, though, even back then. But I guess times are different. Even the price of coal’s through the roof.”
Not all the Factory’s employees shared the same sentiment. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the Reindeer Transportation manager, accused Claus of preemptive action.
“C’mon, stocks are ALWAYS down in this time of year, aren’t they?. Investors need a little snow on the ground to remind them what we here at the Factory provide. Santa knows that. So we hit a little rut? Deal with it. Declaring bankruptcy now is just selfish. A selfish move by a coward of a man. Oh, and by the way, it’s a fat-suit. Fucking image-whore.”
Seated with his wife, Mrs., and company lawyer Jordan Fleishman, Claus fielded questions for over an hour, becoming increasingly confrontational.
“What, you think I enjoy this? You think I get a thrill out of making kids cry? Huh? Christ. I spend my whole life tip-toeing around you people, eating your shitty cookies, filling up your oversized socks with bullshit, and the minute I ask for a little compassion and understanding it’s like I’m some kind of monster. Hell, most people don’t even think I exist. Do you know what that does to a man’s psyche?”
Just before exiting the conference, Claus grabbed the microphone for one last comment to the press. “Hey! Nobody ever asked what Santa wanted for Christmas.”
