Obama Addresses Kids’ Tough Questions

Barack Obama visited Dodge Renaissance Academy on Tuesday to speak to a dozen grade schoolers. Accompanied by Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Arne Duncan, Obama’s recently announced choice for secretary of education, the President-elect fielded various questions from the inquisitive children.

Young hands waved eagerly and excitedly as Obama graciously addressed each student’s questions and concerns. Questions ranged from, “When are you getting your puppy?” to “Are you going to get a big puppy?” and “What are you going to name your puppy?” Other children chose to direct exclamatory statements to the charismatic politician such as, “Decimals!” and “Puppies poo!” and “Christmas! Puppies! Christmaaaassss!!!”

Concerned that the public would think Chicago Public Schools left many, many children behind, the academy’s teachers started to encourage students to think before speaking. The children calmed and eventually posed thought provoking, poignant questions. 

As Obama reflected on the war in Iraq and explained his plan to bring troops home in about a year and a half, fourth grader Timmy “The Sandwich Eater” Kessler raised his hand and asked, “Mr. Obama, do you agree or disagree with Plato’s assertion that ‘Only the dead have seen the last of the war’?”

After 47 seconds of silence and no support from Biden and Duncan, Obama stammered and offered a nearly incoherent response. “Well, I believe the war was and is an unnecessary tool and, you know, a tactic …. that, um … so they call you The Sandwich Eater, huh? I love sandwiches too. Hope sandwiches.”

Attentions shifted to a statement by an unidentified first grader repeatedly yelling, “Christmas!” and Obama gently explained that there may be fewer presents under the Christmas tree this year due to a troubled economy he’s determined to fix.

Kessler interjected, “Then perhaps George Bernard Shaw was right when he said, ‘Capitalism has destroyed our belief in any effective power but that of self interest backed by force.’ Your thoughts?”

After a silent and uncomfortable stare down between the little boy and future president of the United States, questions from the children grew more personal.

“My daddy recently lost his job,” said third grader Marisa Clifford. “And now he rocks back and forth in his rocking chair holding his gun and saying he’s going to play a little game that will put an end to the pain. What’s Russian Roulette?”

Obama tried to stay light-hearted and said, “Wow, Joe doesn’t even know what a fatal game of chance is. Ha. Ain’t that right, Joe? You kids are smart.” At this point, both Biden and Duncan began fake texting, an increasingly popular activity that signals “don’t even look at me.”

Clifford continued, “And now my mommy just sits in the closet crying and drinking her ‘grownup juice.' How do I tell her to get out of there and get some food because I haven’t eaten in three days?”

Obama slowly backed away from the wide-eyed children citing a scheduling conflict and need to “finish up that danged cabinetry.”

The unanswerable questions only roused the other students’ curiosity as they bombarded Obama with more difficult queries, from “How do I avoid a life of gang violence given my socioeconomic background?” to “What is bukkake?” and “When will I get my period?”

A seemingly bewildered Obama encouraged the youthful audience to continue learning and left them a brief parting statement.

“So, um yeah. Learn and stuff, you know, and … Dr. King… change coming … and puppies,” said the President-elect as he walked toward the door. “I’m out. Sexual Chocolate!”