Rapist Hiding in Your Armoire Has Seen All the Best Picture Nominations
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Barry Schertzer, the 29-year-old twice-convicted rapist hiding in your bedroom armoire, has seen all of the Best Picture nominations for this year's 81st Academy Awards ceremony.
Though currently watching you stroke your luxuriant, chestnut-brown hair as you check your e-mail with one foot up on the chair, he spent the last three months working hard to watch all five films before the Feb. 22 telecast. "I don't know why it's important to rush out and see all five movies," said Schertzer. "Maybe I just gotta see all of them to know if the Academy finally gets it right this year."
While watching you fork at a leftover tiramisu bought at the Jewel-Osco across the street where the veteran grocery bagger and rapist first spotted you two months ago, Schertzer is now licking his pencil-line lips whose pale color seems to fade indefinitely into his mottled, concave cheekbones. However, he states his other appetite – the one for prestige films - was whetted long before he snuck into your apartment using the key you keep taped behind your front door's decorative wreath.
"The first one I checked off my list was 'Slumdog [Millionaire,'] of course. But that was back in November, before it became trendy to say you saw it. Even before the movie was halfway over, though, I knew it was a shoo-in."
He also boasts that he saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Frost/Nixon," and "Milk" several weeks before the buzz about each film proliferated through the filmgoer and rapist communities. "I'm always confident of which films will be nominated," Schertzer says, "even the surprise choices like 'The Reader.'"
That confidence has tonight extended to your armoire. An emboldened Schertzer has now opened the crack a bit wider, allowing himself a broader view of you as you mutter things to yourself like, "Laundry, laundry," and, "Why do I still have a Rolodex?" He hopes that his heavy breathing will be masked by the Norah Jones playlist you have decided to blast.
"They're talking about how 'Slumdog' and 'Button' will split the vote, allowing 'Milk' to take it, but 'Slumdog' is too much of a speeding train at this point for such an upset to happen," says Schertzer, who is wondering why you bought such a large armoire for such a minimal wardrobe, allowing his compact body to fit easily in between your favorite flannel button-down and a wedding gown you once bought during an otherwise fruitless sojourn in Seattle last summer.
Schertzer also wonders why you have taped IKEA's wordless instructions to the door of the armoire, but not as much as he wonders why "The Dark Knight" failed to pick up a nomination.
"Mainstream films don't usually pick up nominations, much less comic book adaptations, but I was under the impression that 'The Dark Knight' transcended those stigmas to become something of a cultural milestone," Schertzer reasons. However, he finds the Academy's choices to be "reasonable on the whole."
Though at peace with the nominations, Schertzer laments watching "Gran Torino" and "The Wrestler," both of which "had wonderful performances but were otherwise okay." He admits he only watched them as he was sure they would have picked up Best Picture nominations. However, he is comforted by the fact that he can recover what he
believes was a wasted $20 plus the cost of popcorn from your rented Coach handbag after he is "done with [you]."
"I really feel like every time I watch a prestige film worthy of an Academy Award, I feel truly edified, truly enriched. By keeping my taste in movies up-to-date, refined and comprehensive, I feel like I'm doing something meaningful with my life," says your rapist.
