Tourist Guide to Chicago St. Patrick’s Day

Every Chicagoan knows that St. Patrick’s Day is much more than a holiday; it’s a rite of passage. So what do you do if you’re new to Chicago and about to experience your first St. Pat’s? In an effort to help both tourists and newbies assimilate to Chicago’s unique St. Paddy’s experience, we at Brown Spot have compiled a quick checklist to help you survive the upcoming holiday.

• Slash a hobo
• Big City Tap/1,000 Liquors must be involved at some point
• Crash at a strangers’ via breaking and entering, if rape happens, it happens, the Irish cops’ll let it slide, unless it’s his daughter you raped, then he’ll be pissed, unless she’s ugly, then he’ll give you a high five
• Dye your pubes green
• Vomit, maybe for lube?
• Go to Harold’s Chicken in blackface
• Punch a midget, kick him while he’s down
• Visit Pier One on Michigan Avenue
• Bubba Gump’s on Navy Pier
• Cabrini Green has a great parade, because everyone knows that “green” is a reference to the strong Irish heritage of the neighborhood
• Go to Fado and call an Irish guy a potato packer, but instead of "potato" try “fudge”
• Learn Gaelic, everyone in Chicago speaks it
• Have a beer at Prost in Lincoln Park
• Sushi is huge on St. Pat’s Day; you’ll fit right in!
• Celebrate Pi Day and do some math problems; it's only natural (numbers)
• Bring Spaghettio’s with you everywhere
• Buy a Shamrock at every bar you visit; bartenders will relish the break from drink slinging and appreciate the help in the fight against muscular dystrophy
• Drink a pint of the Chicago River
• Shanghai a crack rock in Rogers Park
• Get freckle tattoos
• Get drunk, beat nine kids and get someone pregnant
• Pray
• Detonate an Irish car bomb
• Kill an Englishman* (*applies to most days)
• Use “twat,” “cunt” and “growler”
• Prestidigitate
• Play dice to the death
• Hijack a cab
• Use the phrase “Chi-Irish” cuz we love it here
• Talk in pig Latin; we love our porkopolis heritage
• Be punny
• Get kicked out of as many bars as possible
• Eat at the Irishest of all places, McDonald’s
• If you have kids, be sure to bring them to the kid-friendly Boystown
• Set a Jew on fire; why not?
• Become a mohel and perform a bris or two
• Get on "To Catch a Predator"
• Channel your inner racist
• Masturbate to Dakota Fanning (Too soon?)
• Have as many 5-hour Energies as possible
• Be anti-Abe Lincoln; general desecration welcome
• Walk on your knees to look like a leprechaun
• Rent a snake
• If you’re Protestant, kill a Catholic, and vice versa
• Drink amaretto sours spiked with Monster
• Quote Nietzsche
• Talk about the St. Louis Cardinals; Chicagoans love the Cards!
• Impress bartenders by ordering the most complicated, obscure shots
• Be emo
• End sentences with prepositions; right on!
• Ask for a suicide (all draft beers in one glass)
• Try to smoke inside as much as possible
• Dress as a pirate
• Don an Irish accent
• Say “Kiss me, I’m Irish” at least once every ten minutes
• Kick stuff over and do push-ups in the middle of the bar
• Drink responsibly; call it a day after three or four drinks
• Sleep in; nothing really starts until 4 or 5
• Badmouth Mike Ditka