You’ll be Saying OW! Every Time

On February 7, I was publicizing my article about the Origin of Zombies (I’m just shameless enough to plug my own article right here).

On February 7, Vince “the ShamWOW guy” was arrested for assaulting a prostitute named Sasha Harris in South Beach. The police said Vince paid Harris about $1,000 in cash after she propositioned him for sex. When he kissed her, however, she bit down on his tongue and wouldn’t let go. So Vince did what any almost-celebrity would do; he began to repeatedly punch her until she released his captive tongue.

Here at Brown Spot (that’s right, shameless), we don’t let a single big story slip through our fingers. And since there aren’t any this week… here’s that ShamWOW crap.

By now, we all know the straight facts of what happened with Vince and Sasha. What we don’t know, is why things happened that way. And the reason no one knows, is because you are only now going to read my theory of what happened that night.

Before I just dive right into this, I think it’s important for you to know that, as a writer, I have spent more than several nights through the early morning watching television. The most dominant programming on the air during those hours is infomercials. So rest assured, I know this class of people and speak with plenty of credibility on the matter.

I believe that, as sick as it sounds, Vince is not very squeamish when it comes to the bedroom, and this wasn’t the first time he paid a woman for tongue-related abuse. Not only that, but Vince is most likely drawn to a bedroom scene that most of us would find repulsive. I mean, take a good look at him. Soak in the man’s face. How can you trust something that looks like it feeds off the suffering of the innocent?

So when Sasha bit down on Vince’s tongue, he was in such ecstasy and shock that he momentarily forgot their safe word. And since Sasha didn’t hear him complaining, she (rightfully so, as any good “professional” woman will tell you) took it as a sign to just bite harder. You following me, reader guy?

Of course the pain eventually got too great, even for Vince, and he finally remembered the safe word - I’d put my money on it being Oxiclean, by the way – but couldn’t get a single syllable out around her mouth.

But if nothing else, the ShamWOW guy is a quick thinker. Instead of trying to push her head away, which surely would have caused her teeth to dig into his tongue more, he punched the safe word into her using Morse code.

Now unfortunately, Vince doesn’t know Morse code. So perhaps a good plan in theory, but it really fell through on the execution, as Sasha will tell you once she has the doctor’s permission to remove the wads of cotton from her cheeks.

O.J. Simpson and Chris Brown will certainly vow that Vince is just a poor victim of circumstance, and they are both showing their full support.

Vince himself also remains optimistic, insisting this was just a minor setback. “The prostitutes in South Beach love me. Every week I donate a surplus of ShamWOWs to them. After all, they need to be able to clean up a mess just as much as the next person. Have I mentioned how well the ShamWOW works on skin and in hair?”

As a final note, there are reports that Vince has tried contacting fellow infomercial kings Billy “The Beard” Mays, Mathew “ ‘Free’ Money” Lesko, John “The Video Professor” Scherer and Chuck “Bow-Flex” Norris to help him get past this bad press. His calls have not been returned.