The Origin of Zombies Uncovered
If you are anything like me, then you think monsters aren’t real. That is, if you are anything like what I used to be. See, I’ve had a bit of a revelation recently. And I’ve discovered that while monsters themselves may not exist, they aren’t complete figments of any imagination.
It’s all about making that connection. The signs are obvious, but sometimes it just takes someone else to connect the dots for you.
No need to worry, because I am just that person to do it!
Now forget about all your preconceptions and just think: What group of people is easy to avoid, but once they corner you, you’re screwed?
The signs have been right in front of our faces, but until now, no one has been able to put the pieces together.
Everyone knows that traditional zombies are slow moving, and therefore, easy to avoid. But if you get cornered by even one, your day is completely ruined.
Well, where do you think that concept originated?
Think about it. Zombies shuffle, they don’t have full control over the amount of saliva in their mouths, and then there’s the most obvious clue of them all. If a zombie corners you, there’s nothing you can do except suffer the pain of a zombie’s company as they latch onto you.
Who else does that all remind you of?
That’s right.
The elderly.
When an old person corners you, they hold you there in awkward and such painfully dull conversation that you feel like someone (or something) is EATING YOUR BRAIN.
Now this is not all mere speculation on the part of a so-called journalist with too much free time. It’s been reported that in the mid-nineteenth century, a tablet containing what could only be described as a warning, was found in Egypt. People have taken to calling it the Romero Stone.
The tablet described a young villager who had a lone encounter with a shuffling and decrepit community near what is now the Mediterranean Coast. The boy was traumatized when he returned home and survived for only a week longer.
Due to corrosion on the original tablet and centuries of inaccurate translations, most believe that this was the earliest recorded encounter with zombies.
But I’m convinced that couldn’t be more wrong.
I believe that young boy actually encountered the very first senior citizens’ home. And he didn’t receive any physical injury while there, but there was tremendous psychological damage. In these people, the boy saw what the future held for him and everyone he knew.
Based on this single incident written on an illegible tablet, there are millions of people throughout history that mistakenly believe in the existence of some sort of bacteria that not only contains the ability to reanimate the dead, but also gives them the unrelenting urge to feast on human flesh.
When in reality, it was just a group of regular elderly people.
Who may or may not feast on human flesh.
