Opinion

There comes a time in any young man's life when he begins to discover the differences between men and women. During this confusing time, the young man's parents will attempt to provide guidance on the subject. For me, this fateful day came following a manufacturer-recommended mattress rotation, from whence my mother stumbled upon a well-worn copy of "Butt Lust" and an inexplicably stiff Nerf Turbo.

Here are some out-of-office auto replies that I wanted to leave up this week, but simply couldn’t for fear of losing my job:

5.) I am out of the office; I like that you’re going to be inundated with this message each and every time you send me something, even if you’re just sending it to a team alias that my email address is listed on … Technology FTW!

4.) I am out of the office; in other news, why does your baby look so mad all of the time?

Wow.  I don’t know what you said to that dude, but he is seriously pissed off.  He totally wants to kick your ass.
How do I know?  He’s staring right you and he looks like he’s ready to murder somebody.  No!  Don’t turn around.  Shit, he saw you.  He’s more pissed now.

Well you must have said something!

Jesus.  He’s pounding those beers.  He’s had like six since you got back from the bathroom.
You talked to him in the bathroom?  What’d you say?

For some time, you have suspected your ex-girlfriend Kelly’s new boyfriend Jake has you beat in some areas.  This is incorrect.  Jake has you beat in all areas.

Jake is better than you.

Jake has a better job.  He is a physician.  He makes sick children feel better.  He is fulfilled by his work and he is respected by his fellow man.  He earns a solid income too.  He deserves it.

Well, after a many month sabbatical from my worldly travels, I am happy to report that I have just returned from a wonderful excursion to the great resort city of Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.  This was to be a completely work free trip, just to sit back and relax with my wife, and to get away from Bob, but as with most plans, things don’t always go as planned.

This week’s edition revolves around things other people do to upset me. It really bothers me …

5.) When older family members text me and the message reads as if a Native     American has hijacked his or her phone: “Go here outside wind rain jacket bring 1.”

4.) When the workers at Starbucks have stupid looks on their faces … or when they laugh,  smile and/or breathe.

3.) When people feed the pigeons. I mean, are you fucking serious?

So, for the most part, I’m a fairly laid-back guy. I don’t get riled easily and I can take the hits as well as I can give them. But sometimes, someone says something or does something and it just hits the wrong nerve. So, in the interest of helping people not get smashed in the face, I’m going to dedicate the next couple articles to helping people sort out those dilemmas of etiquette; when one should do something, or when they shouldn’t.
Today’s lesson is titled “Shut the fuck up.”

These are things I recently discovered you should not say shortly
after sexual intercourse:

5.) “Ohhh fuck, I forgot to mow the lawn today.”

4.) “Do you remember Steve Urkel’s attractive doppelganger?”

3.) “Do you think there will be sad-faced clowns at Michael Jackson’s
funeral? If so, might one or two of them serve as pallbearers?”

2.) “Apple slices with peanut butter spread seemed delicious about 30
seconds ago, but now I feel soiled; I think I’ll take a shower in lieu
of fixing up a healthy snack.”

Some people say, “You can’t put a price on love.” But I can. For me, it was One Hundred Thirty-Eight Dollars. That’s how much it cost me to fall in love with Sabrina, one of the girls at the Paradise Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada. Now, you might be saying to yourself: “There is no Paradise Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada.” And you’d be right. I’ve skillfully changed the names and places in this story to protect the guilty.

5.) Blago: “Should I try to sell my seat to the Cubs/Sox Cross town Classic tonight, or just Gag myself in front of my daughters again?”

4.) I wonder if Miley Cyrus is also considering naming her new speckled goldfish Miley C.

3.) How is a 12 in. sandwich that costs $7.87 a five dollar foot-long?

2.) Do birds wish they could run?

1.)  Should I put dubs on my 1994 non-functioning Jeep Cherokee just to be ironic, or would that offend the Native Americans?