10 Things I will No Longer Say or Do now that I’m Engaged to a Mexican

Billy, my dear half-Mexican/ half other stuff fiancé, given the fact that we will soon be married, I promise to refrain from saying and doing the following as a testament to my true love for you. I hope my past culturally insensitive “hiccups” do not cause you to question my devotion to you. I love you.

I will no longer:
• Insinuate that you are illiterate by using the phrase, “Oh, don’t worry about him. He’s M-E-X-I-C-A-N” in my conversations with other people.
• Ask what the differences are between Mexicans, Chicanos, Latinos and Hispanics, or inundate you with contrapositions such as “If all Mexicans are Chicanos and all Chicanos are Hispanic, are all Hispanics Mexicans?”
• Quote “La Bamba” incessantly (“No, not my Reeetchie!”).
• Bring maracas into the bedroom without being asked to do so.
• Refer to your Jetta as “the El Camino” and your golf clubs in the back as “your seven cousins.”
• Ask the lady at the Hallmark store if she has Mexican Precious Moments figurines because my Mexican boyfriend wants know but is ashamed to ask because you might think he’s Mexican.
• Secretly fill out applications for dishwashers for you. I know those calls from Lakeview bar managers are getting annoying. I will also stop tipping you when you clear the dishes from our dinner table.
• Make fun of you when you get back from the gym and your back is wet.
• Call your head/brain/hair the “Mind of Mencia.” I will also stop telling your coworkers that you leave work early to get home in time for George Lopez.
• Try to make amends for aforementioned offenses by apologizing and lovingly saying, “But you’re the Juan for me!” or “You’re my Juan true love!”