A Lawnmower/Bar Stool, and other Things I’d be OK with getting a DUI On

This week, the good people of Ohio had yet another reason to celebrate: One of their own was charged with a DUI while on his homemade lawnmower/bar stool. The 28-year-old man was driving near his home when he crashed his homemade mechanized bar stool, which could reach up to 38 mph. Granted, DUIs suck. (Or as we call them in Ohio, Deweys.) The money, the paperwork and the extra effort that goes into hiding rampant alcoholism, it’s just a bummer. However, if I were to get a DUI, I’d be a little more OK with it if I were on something amazing, like a bar stool welded to the innards of an old John Deere riding lawnmower.  So, here are a few other things that I’d be OK, possibly even excited, about getting a DUI while on:

• On Bumper Cars
• On a Tandem Bicycle
• On Twitter
• On Fiiiiiiire (En Fueggooo, if you’re Playing NBA Jam)
• On an Awning
• On a Rollercoaster
• On a Unicycle
• On the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier
• On a Styrofoam Raft in a Lake while Playing King of the Raft
• On a Segway
• On top of the Teen Wolf Van
• On the Susan G. Komen 3-day Walk for a Cure
• On Rollerskates
• On a Pogo Ball
• On a Hopscotch Court
• On a Combine
• On the Old-timey cars at Cedar Point
• On my iPhone (There’s an App for That)
• On a Snuggie Pub Crawl
• On a Soapbox Derby Car
• On a Blind Date
• On a Pogo Stick
• On a Whim and a Prayer
• On the Way to a Clearance at the Chtitchen Store (Paul Blart: Mall Madness Cop will Get You)
• On Facebook
• On a Parking Meter
• On Celebrity Apprentice
• On a Sabbatical
• On the Third Decade of a Rosary
• On a Potato Plow
• On my Way to Capture the Ukraine in my Quest for World Domination
• On Yahoo! Personals
• On the Final Round of Classic Concentration (Seville, FTW!)
• On a Swan at the LPZ
• On Deck
• On the Seventh Station of the Cross (Jesus Falls for a Second Time, I run into my Third Wall, NBD)
• On a Skip It
• On a Cross-country Ski Trip
• On a Pitcher’s Mound
• On Cloud Nine
• On the Toilet
• On the DL
• On ICQ (Uh-oh!)
• On a Weekend at Bernie’s
• On a Shopping Spree at the JC Penney Furniture Outlet
• On an L Couch
• On an Airport Moving Walkway
• On a Highway to Hell
• On a Skittle High
• On a Murderous Rampage (Of Brain Cells)
• On FailBlog
• On a Winning Streak
• On Kenny Powers’ Sea Doo
• On my Period
• On a Rascal
• On a Bowflex
• On the Cover of Wassup Local Magazine
• On a Vacation at the Oprah-recommended Luxurious Omni Hotel
• On a Break
• On my Last Leg
• On a Tour of the Field Museum
• On the Roster of the Dallas Cowboys
• On Your Mom