A Little Guidance ...

As a former high school guidance counselor, I am pretty used to giving people advice. Of course, I gave people a lot of other things, too, whether it was a shoulder to cry on about Coach Miller’s sexual advances (We’ve all been there, sister!) or a big heaping basket of Jolly Ranchers to give them the sugar high they needed to get through finals (or my marriage, ha ha!). But I don’t want to get too much into details, as another lawsuit is the last thing I need right now. (Except my lawsuit against the Wendy’s Corporation – Biggie Fry my ass!) I just want all you readers to know that, when it comes to giving my opinion, I’m not exactly a new kid on the block. (Although I would be Jordan Knight in a heartbeat, should I be given the opportunity.)

So what wit (Here’s hoping!) and wisdom (Not a chance!) does this latter-day Erma Bombeck have to share with you today? Well, first of all, Abortion is Murder. Now, I’m not crazy about the idea of unmarried ladies having intercourse in the first place, but if they do, they ought to be prepared to deal with the consequences. And besides, who doesn’t love babies? I think they ought to make it a law that any woman who wants to have an abortion has to be shown one of those adorable Anne Geddes photos first. I don’t think it would be nearly as easy to rip a fetus from your womb after seeing it dressed up like a sunflower!

Second, and I don’t want to step on any toes here, but Drunk Drivers Ought to Just Cool It. Seriously, guys, this is 2008! Haven’t we learned anything from the lesson of megastar Shia LaBeouf? I like to kick back with a Miller Chill as much as the next person, but I would never get behind the wheel of my Ford Escort afterward; that is if I still owned it. Or why not just have a delicious non-alcoholic beer? Although I swear I still feel a little loopy after five or six O’Doul’s.

And finally, can I just tell you that Jennifer Lopez is a National Treasure? No, I’m not talking about the Nicolas Cage historical action spectacular, although come to think of it, she could add some much-needed caliente flavor to that third installment we’re all holding our breath for. Ms. Lopez has conquered the worlds of music, movies, fashion, and having babies. Could a run for Congress be next? Here’s hoping!

Looks like I’m out of space for this edition (that durned news is such a space hog!), but I’ll be back before you know it to provide more laughter, more love, and yes, just a Little Guidance!