A Little Guidance…

So the latest buzz around my household (by which I mean me and my cat Sarah Paw-lin, formerly Mr. Whiskers) centers around a hot new film called High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Now, if you’re anything like me (and I bet some of you are, as I’m pretty sure my doctor has been stealing my DNA), you had a lot of unanswered questions after the first two High School Musicals. Would Troy and Gabriella stay together? Would the Wildcats win another state championship? Would people think a middle-aged man attending a matinee showing all by himself was a child molester? Well, the answers to all these questions are in, drenched in a sparkly fresh coat of razzle dazzle! Just take my advice and don’t feel the need to offer Jujubees to children as they pass by. Some mothers can be very sensitive. And know karate.

Of course, no one needs an excuse to give candy to children on Halloween! Although I generally give out hand-drawn booklets containing valuable advice on manners, dental hygiene, and presidential politics instead. Who needs a Snickers bar when you can get important information about secret Muslims hiding within our government? Unfortunately, this year I had to hand out my holiday goodies from work, since this particular Sandwich Artist got scheduled for a double shift after getting into a shouting match with his manager over who likes Jordin Sparks more. You know I’m never one to shy away from the hot button issues!

Speaking of which, I’ve just got to get up on my soapbox for a minute here and point out that Child Abuse is Wrong. I mean, God knows we’ve all had our moments of wanting to smack the sass out of some preteen or other. Back when I was still a guidance counselor, I squeezed my stress balls to a pulp suppressing those violent urges, and that was before a group of students picked up my Escort and somehow carried it to the middle of the food court at Marketplace Mall. But I knew the appropriate way to deal with those issues was by calling my union rep every day for three months straight until he finally changed his phone number. And by doing splatter paintings, of course! Thank God for the Hobby Lobby store!

Which reminds me that I have a number of festive holiday centerpieces to put together, and those pinecones aren’t going to scent themselves. If anyone needs me, I’ll be out on the back porch with my glue gun!