Advice from the Lower Upper Middle Class

Dear Advice from the Lower Upper Middle Class,

My wife and I want to move because our neighborhood isn’t gentrifying at the rate we had hoped. We were about to plant a for-sale sign when developers broke ground on a new shopping complex only a few blocks away. So far it looks like they’re opening a Potbelly, a furniture store and a David’s Bridal. Think we should stick it out a little longer and hold off selling?

Reese, Logan Square

Reese,
Have you ever been in a David’s Bridal? If you’re spending $99 on a dress, you’re definitely marrying for love over money. Discount weddings and sandwiches aren’t going to get your neighborhood into teardown mode. This urban adventure of buying in shady neighborhoods never made sense to me. Waiting for property taxes to increase and getting the locals to move out can take an eternity. Especially when the neighbors start to bitch to their alderman. Then there’s all the construction going on once they do finally get the lame ducks. It’s really not worth the ROI, especially when there are plenty of good neighborhoods already clean. Try Old Town, the Gold Coast, or Lincoln Park. Lakeview has its nice spots but I’ve never been one to want to live near public transportation.

Dear Advice from the Lower Upper Middle Class,
I’ve finally received my Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate. While I’m currently living paycheck to paycheck, I’d like to donate my $600 to a “green” charity rather than put the money into the economy like Bush is hoping. Can you recommend a worthy charity?
Gill, Evanston

Gill,
What charity isn’t concerned about the green? Still, I know how you feel. Offloading $600 isn’t as easy as it sounds. Some nights I feel like that guy in Brewster’s Millions. Example: We all went out to Rocket Bar last weekend and opted for table service because standing gets old. We ordered two bottles of Effen and whatever the ladies that stopped by wanted. The tab comes to just over five bills. Just as I’m about to pay, my buddy stops by and insists on paying. Said he owed me from some night months ago that I must have been too blitzed to remember. So, yeah, I know how hard it is to spend $600 sometimes.

Dear Advice from the Lower Upper Middle Class,
Unfortunately, there is little I can do to avoid driving because I work out in the suburbs. I’d move closer to work but then my social life would be shot. Is there anything I can do to save money on gas?
Luke, Bucktown

Luke,
I am your father. Ha! Just playin’ bro. Seriously, sometimes I think my car drinks gas like me at the W on a Saturday pounding pomegranate martinis. Speaking of gas guzzlers, I was at the gym the other day and there was an Aston Martin parked in the garage. Beautiful grey DB9. That shit was tight. Makes my M3 look like an Accord. I’ve tried to find out who owned it, but no luck.

Dear Advice from the Lower Upper Middle Class,
It seems like the economy has been tanking forever. I don’t even remember when gas was below $3.00/gallon. Now, to top it all off, my grocery bill is getting out of control. When will this end?
Mary-Ann, Orland Park

Mary-Ann,
Funny you should mention your grocery bill. I was at Whole Foods the other day stocking up for Poi Dog at Ravinia and I noticed how the price for the fine cheeses are relatively stagnate. I got some Camembert with mushrooms, a delicious Belletoille, and a slightly disappointing Vasterbotten. So I guess things can’t be too bad. You must hit horrible traffic on your way to Ravinia coming from Orland Park. That sucks.