Dear Dream Employer: Thank you for the Rejection Letter, Now GFY

It’s been two months since I spent three hours on that cover letter and another two on the five attachments I included, and I honestly had nearly forgot about you, Dream Employer. So your rejection email this afternoon was certainly a welcome reminder of how much I really wanted to work for you and a pleasant confirmation that you “went another route.” Being that I forgot about you entirely amid the sea of fresh applications and rejections, your rejection email brought back the excitement and anticipation that I had felt when I sent off my genuine cover letter, customized resume and snarky attachments; now, please kindly go fuck yourself.

I get the sentiment, and you meant nothing but the best in this rejection endeavor. You immediately apologized for the delayed response (my fingers are crossed) and thanked me for my well-thought out application (still holding my breath) and it was very competitive with more than 400 applicants (uh-oh) and you decided to go another direction (fuck you). It would have been better for all parties involved, Dream Employer, had you just blown me off as most potential employers have. But no, you opted to get my hopes up just to crush them again. Next thing you know, we’ll be singing a duet.

Dream Employer, I liken this to a random text message from my ex-boyfriend, you know, the one that shredded my heart and left me soulless and unwilling to enter into another relationship, the one who ruined my outlook toward “boyfriends” forever. I liken this to a text from him, just after I officially “got over it,” just to remind me that we’re still not together, he’s with a new girlfriend, and there’s a good chance he gave me HPV. Sure, it’s nice to get the conciliatory reminder text and told that I should get checked out or my cervix may rot, and good luck with my endeavors, etc. etc., but it’s on every level entirely facetious and mostly damaging. So why remind me again of how much I loved your job description, your company website and sarcastic tidbits throughout the job post when I had clearly moved on? I had started applying for other jobs that I didn’t really want but would be willing to take because it’s obvious that I should be happy to have any job, let alone a job that allows me to partially utilize my degree. What does either of us have to gain from this cat and mouse game, Dream Employer?

And here’s another question, Dream Employer: Why did you thank me for thinking of you? Did you thank all 398 other applicants who didn’t get the job? Or is this a test to see if I’ll respond to you and say, “Oh, of course I thought of you! I’ve been wanting to work for your company for the last seven years and I could barely even believe it when I saw a job posting on Craigslist that was A-for you, my Dream Employer and B-a job that I am not only qualified to tackle, but have been doing in various capacities for years. So you’re welcome that I thought of you, and have been thinking of you and trying to figure out how to somehow infiltrate your company for nearly a decade. And if you’d like I’ll continue to not only think of you but also contact you as I did this time to remind you that I am in fact thinking of you and your company, Dream Employer.”? Is that what you want? Because I really see no good response to this rejection email, but I do want you to know that I appreciate you deciding to revisit your opportunity to once again stomp on my already broken unemployed heart. It was very thoughtful of you to bring this back up in both my mind and my inbox so I could experience a newfound sense of depression relating to a job that I had given up on and forgotten about nearly seven weeks ago.

So, Dream Employer, I suppose this leaves us at a bit of a crossroads. I could lose all respect for you as you chose the overly depressing first week of March to flash me this cunt of a reminder rejection email. Or I could do as I have been doing for the past seven years and continue to pine for you until one day you realize the brilliance of my work and you, Dream Employer, decide that I am fit to join your operation and run one of your prestigious trucks, Dearest Waste Management Corporation.