EmoMe: Losing My Religion (if I believed in God)

Mood: crushed
Currently Listening: In Our Defense--The Academy Is...

I am slowly but surely losing my faith in humanity.

In the past week, Keltie Colleen, long time girlfriend of Panic(!) at the Disco guitarist Ryan Ross, discovered that he was cheating on her.

I'm torn in a million different directions. I believed in Ryan Ross. I remember the first time I heard Panic!'s first album, "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out," and I remember exactly how it made me feel. It gave me hope. It helped me keep my head up. It changed my life. The music on it is beautiful and the lyrics are heartbreakingly gorgeous. There is just so much...emotion in it. Ryan Ross is one of the most amazing lyricists of my time. "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" was his anthem ... my anthem ...

I'm sorry, I had a bit of a lapse there. I just can't focus right now. What I was going to say is that almost the entire album has a recurring theme of Ryan Ross' hatred for cheating. And then four years later he goes and cheats on his girlfriend?
Ryan Ross was one of the few people that I had faith in in this world (among the ranks of Pete Wentz, William Beckett, and Rivers Cuomo), and then he turned into a huge hypocrite. He also  wrote songs about how he hated alcoholics, but surprise, surprise, he turned 21 and hit the bottle.

I feel like I can never listen to "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" ever again without feeling like a huge hypocrite. With every word that Brendon Urie sings, I feel more and more like a fraud. I once looked up to the man who wrote those lyrics, but now ... My whole life is a lie.

Anyhow, I know I haven't been updating you on my life very much lately. I've just been so overwhelmed by how awful people can be to me as of late. I feel as if I can't even write on my own myspace without someone leaving me a mean comment on my blog telling me to wipe off all of my makeup and "get the fuck outside and get a tan you pale dumbass." It just hurts so much when people can't even let me be me and write my feelings on my blog. My poetry is none of their business...it's a way for me to let my heart speak.

I mean, my favorite Clandestine Industries necklace broke yesterday and I was heartbroken. I've been wearing it constantly since I bought it and then yesterday...it just came untied. I can't help but think that it's a larger metaphor for my life at the moment. After all I feel like everything around me is just unraveling. The threads are coming loose at their ends and it's all coming undone. I can just re-tie my necklace, but I can't just re-tie my life. I guess all I can do is take a step back and look at the frayed threads of the past few months. Sigh.

I think I'm going to go watch a movie...probably Donnie Darko. Or maybe Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. They're both so beautiful it hurts.

xoxo
Lilly Lullaby