An Open Letter to: Anyone who forwards me the Microsoft/AOL E-mail.

Hi,

I was excited to see your name show up in my inbox. I haven’t talked to you in awhile. We both are caught up in the rat race, and it’s sometimes hard to keep in touch. That’s why I’m so glad you took the time to drop me an e-mail.

But you didn’t send me a personal e-mail. You simply mass e-mailed everyone in your contact list, and sent me the biggest waste of time this side of The Hills. I guess I should have seen this coming. 

It happens every four to six months, around the same time that some Hollywood slew flashes her cooch, or the release of some insulting spoof movie. Someone like you, a friend or relative sends me some version of the Bill Gates/AOL hoax promising $245.00 for every e-mail address that you forward the message. It usually says something about a Beta test (which sounds really nerdy) and the initial doubt of the originator. That doubt was dispelled, though, when they met their cousin’s roommate’s boyfriend at a Texas A&M football game, and he produced a check for $37,267.54. Sometimes they have a law degree, and assure us that this e-mail is FOR REAL. It was even mentioned in Tuesday’s USA Today! 

No matter who sends it, the note is always the same. I know this isn’t possible, but I figure why not. What do I have to lose? How about your dignity? Or my respect?  In my opinion, you have a lot to lose by forwarding the e-mail. 

Apparently, this e-mail has been circulating since 1997. In the first round, I will give some leeway to people for passing it along. The internet was fairly new, and a lot of people were making millions in Silicon Valley. Nobody knew what was going on, so maybe this is how they made their fortune. They simply forwarded on an e-mail, and now are living a life of butlers, Ferraris and robots. Remember, if anyone has the money to do this, it’s Bill Gates. This is just a marketing expense to him. 

However, it’s a decade later, and I still receive this e-mail from you. Be honest, somewhere in your grey matter, you do believe that this is possible. You think it is worth your while to take the three minutes to forward it on. I expect more out of my friends and family. Even if it were true, wait it isn’t true. It could never be true. It’s not even worth hypothesizing.     

I beg you, please don’t send this e-mail anymore. I like you. I want to continue to like you. If you forward this to me one more time, though, it will put you in the same class of friends as, “Guys Who Like Carlos Mencia.” Nobody wants that.