I am Senate Candidate Number 5

Yes that’s right, it’s not Jesse Jackson, Jr. as the news is reporting. And it’s not Tammy Duckworth as no one was thinking. No, the mystery candidate who was willing to pay top dollar for Obama’s Senate seat is me. Pay to play. That’s just the way it is. You can’t play for free! If you could play for free, the Chicago Sport and Social Club would be out of business.

If you could play for free those rich guys at the park who charge $5 for a game of chess would be homeless. If you could play for free, I’d have nine more dollars and would not have just beat my broseph at Golden Tee. If you could play for free, no one would have invented jukeboxes or, better yet, Internet jukeboxes where I can download and play Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ at every bar along the Southport Corridor (except Lange’s, that’s where poor Southporters go, or the Southpoor as I call them). Pay to play is the way life works, and this management consultant was willing to pay.

What about that cushy high paid job that Blagojevich was eyeing?  That was my job. I’ll head to Washington to be the best Senator alive and Hot Rod will take my place as a highly paid management consultant. Talk about a cushy job, getting paid to tell people what you think they could do better. And iRod knows a thing or two about running an organization. I once used Roddy’s exact words in reconfiguring the workforce at a Toledo bank: “If they don't perform, bleep 'em."  

Oh and that’s not all that I had to offer, because we all know Rod Almighty wanted something “tangible, up front.”  What’s more tangible than my 2006 BMW 330cl parked in the governor’s driveway with a big bow on it? Rodspeed. I won’t need that when I’m senator, oh no. I’ll need a 2008 BMW 330cl. And I didn’t forget about his wife, Patti the real estate agent. Patti will get to sell my fantastic condo on Southport Avenue, and I will split it with her 50/50. We’re talking half a mil right there. That’s some fundraising all in one fell swoop.

Given that the story has broken as a federal case and my boy Roddy Dodi He Likes to Party was arrested, I felt it was best to come clean. I appreciate Jesse Jackson, Jr. trying to take the fall for me, but there is no need, for I did nothing wrong. If I happen to recommend The Rod Less Traveled for a job at my highly respected management consulting company, that’s not illegal, that’s just handing out favors. I can sell my car to whomever I want for one dollar. And who is to say which real estate agent I use and what type of terms we come to. This is all above suspicion. I know the media, especially at the damned Tribune, will jump all over this story. I’m sure we’ll see headlines denouncing “Rod Bribegojevich” or “Bribe Bribegojevich” or “Bribe Bribegojebribe.”  Don’t be lured in by the catchy headlines. And don’t let my good friend Blagspot.com-ojevich get Rodomized in prison. Spare the Rod and spoil the child: my unborn child that is.