I Cuss During Business Meetings
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There are too many pussies working in the business world today and sometimes you gotta make sure that everyone in a meeting knows that you are not a pussy. That's why I always make sure to drop an f-bomb in the first ten minutes of a meeting so that everyone knows that I'm a hardass.
Most people are too scared to do this, and I dominate them in meetings. I fucking dominate them. Once I cuss at a meeting, everyone knows that for the rest of the project they better not screw with me. One time I told one of my fellow management consultants to “make sure you get your shit to me on time,” and I never had a problem with that bastard. When I was in front of a client at a kickoff meeting last month I said, “The industrial grade wire supply business is a fucking bitch.” From that point on, they knew that I was not a pussy and would get the consulting job done right.
Sometimes it is enough to just be the best management consultant alive. Usually it is not. You gotta make sure that everyone knows you're the best so they treat you like the best. Management consulting is like rap; when you're the best you don't take shit from anyone. Why say, “We'll set up an FTP site for document transfer on this project” when you could say, “We'll set up a fucking FTP site for document transfer on this project”? I should write a fucking book about this shit.
There are some people out there that do still do not realize that I am the best management consultant alive and they like to ask a bunch of stupid questions when I make PowerPoint presentations. When these are clients you can't just tell them to “shut the fuck up” but you can make sure that they feel like you did and still feel like you are the fucking man. You can’t just answer their questions and let the stupidity go unanswered. Rub their nose in it like you would a dog that shat on the carpet.
Take control of each interaction by being hard and not taking any shit from anyone. Be aggressive when there is absolutely no need. Force people on the defensive so they are completely surprised by it. Every interaction is a competition. Win every one. Win every fucking one. Best consultant alive!
