I Just Want Your Smelly Cock Out of My Face

I regularly ride the Brown Line. I'm talking about the actual, literal Brown Line train, you fucking pervs. Shockingly, I'm generally a patient person when it comes to riding that packed hell mobile because of the nature of this mode of mass transit.

It gets mad-crowded and some hip-grazing, backpack-shoving and the occasional hand-brushing can occur when reaching for the same handlebar for support when the conductor propels us into the skyline. And when there's nowhere to sit, it's a bitch to find a comfortable spot to stand. Therefore, I am understanding about crowding in the aisles when the car becomes standing room only. What I'm NOT understanding about is when I'm sitting in a single-seater and a dude decides to stand next to me and park his schlong in my face.

Now, it's no secret that I'm a big fan of knob-gobbling. But I don't appreciate an impromptu deep throating session with a stranger on the L just because he wants to view the sights while he gets to work or wherever the fuck he's going.

I am well aware that the nice, tall pole attached to the back of my seat combined with the extra floor space where another seat would be makes for a nice and comfy standing area, but I don't need my cheek carved into by your smelly cock while you reap the benefits of that floor space. Got it, fucker?

Here's the solution: turn your pervie hips AWAY from my face. It's that easy! Face forward like everyone else, dipshit. You think the extra layers of long underwear covers up your bulge? No. You might as well be donning a trenchcoat and KY. I understand you may carry some kind of penis inferiority complex, but the train is no place to display your obscene fuck pole to deal with your pinkie dick issues.

So the next time you're on the train and you score that delicious standing spot next to the one-seater, think twice about dick-slapping your fellow rider in the face. Because so help me, next time that happens to me, I'm speedbagging that cockbag Hillary Swank-style. You gave been warned, men and shemales of Chicago.