I Wouldn’t Sexually Harass Anyone on my Bus Right Now

I’ve been riding the bus for at least 20 minutes, and so far I haven’t seen one person worth sexually harassing. In fact, I think I’m the most attractive person on the bus. Seriously, there’s not one single attractive person in sight. Maybe they’re behind me...nope, definitely not behind me. Now that’s very strange. There seem to be a few asses at bus stops I’d like to smack, but none are actually getting on.

While this city is full of very attractive people, I seem to be the only one on the bus. Normally the bus is a sardine can of sexual harassment opportunities. Where could all the attractive people be? Are they hiding? Is there some sort of “Attractive People Only” meeting that I was not aware of, because honestly this is a very unattractive bus. OK, that girl sitting third seat from the end is cute and has a nice rack, maybe I’ll try to walk by and sneak a gropeandhope. The bus driver looks like he works out, but other than them there is really no one of note.

What happened to the college world in which I once lived? Back then you could molest a dozen hot girls while walking to class without even trying. Now there will be three a day if I’m lucky.

It is not so much that the other bus riders are only “kind of attractive;” though that would be OK if it were the case. These people are not attractive at all. Don’t they watch “The Hills”? Do they not realize what we’re supposed to look like now? The people in that show represent America and how we’re supposed to look, and frankly, I’m the only one that looks anything CLOSE to how we’re supposed to. Maybe it was OK two years ago for a girl to weigh more than 100 lbs but not anymore. They’re going to be lucky to get humped while they order a drink at a bar looking like that.  

I think my fellow bus riders need to get off the bus, go home and stay there, leaving the outside world to the molestable. While they’re in their self-imposed exile from society, they can spend their time watching quality programming like the new “90210.” Maybe they don’t value television either. This is the only explanation for their total lack of respect for their bodies. If only they sat down for a few hours and studied what they’re supposed to look like, then maybe they’d realize how unattractive they are and acquire the inspiration to get in shape so they can rejoin society as a productive, attractive person.

Finally, here’s my stop. I sure hope no one stares at me walking down the stairs too blatantly. Just because I’m so much more attractive than they are doesn’t give them the right to stare at my body as if it’s a piece of meat.  But if they’re staring at me to acknowledge my obvious superior physical state, then that’s OK, because I like that kind of attention.