If this Plane’s Going Down, I Hope You Fall Out Boy

You have got to be kidding me. You are like 14 years old, and you are supposed to open that door in the event of emergency?! You're not even listening to the flight attendant describe what you have to do if we crash because you've got your iPod Nano on and are listening to Gym Class Heroes. No, I didn’t look at your screen. The whole damn plane can hear your shitty music; you have it turned up so loud on the headphones that your mom bought for you, you entitled prick. Are you even allowed to fly unaccompanied? Maybe if you’d stop texting for a second you’d realize that you are endangering my life, but you’re too busy staring at your crappy cell phone. I have a Blackberry! Talk to me when you get a QWERTY keyboard!

You can't even drive a car, but when we crash into a lake and need to get out you are responsible because you care too much about not caring to say that you shouldn't have that responsibility. Your idea of a high stress situation is giving a two-minute class presentation about Lord of the Flies, I present to CEOs about international marketing strategies, and you are supposed to save my life.

You had to ask your parents permission to get a Facebook account; I have a LinkedIn account. LinkedIn, son! How the hell can you be a responsible member of society and not be on LinkedIn? And I had Facebook before it spread to high school. I had Facebook when it was still only at select colleges. You’d get your ass kicked by each one of the Jonas Brothers. You’ve never even heard of Hanson. Your parents are awful. I know it's not too hard to just turn the handle on the door and push, but it's also not hard to get a haircut, and you can't seem to manage that. You weren’t even born when “Doggystyle” came out. How’s algebra class, you piece of shit? I spend your monthly allowance on a bottle of wine at Coobah. You probably think Boston was always good at all sports. Well guess what? They sucked at everything for 20 years.

I don't even want my life saved by someone wearing Hollister or Aeropostale anyway. I don't want to owe my life to someone who thinks that Zac Efron is cooler than Zack Morris and learned important life lessons from “Drake and Josh” instead of “My So Called Life.” You are responsible for fifty lives in the event of an emergency where the only exit is over the right wing! If you lived in Nebraska you would have been left at a hospital months ago, and now my life is in your hands. You have only ever kissed one girl and I have had sex with six different girls! Sex! Six! You weigh 120 pounds. I bet you can't even turn that handle, but when the flight attendant asked if you could do it you just bobbed your head along with Panic! At the Disco wondering what you would look like in makeup. When you grow up and listen to real bands like Nickelback you can sit in the Emergency Exit row, until then let me fly to Kansas City to do my management consulting with an adult in that seat.