Stop Peeing on the Floor, Fellow High-Paid Management Consultants

I work in an office building.  A big, tall, fancy office building.  It’s in the financial district.  It’s nicer than your office building.  I pass through a metal detector to go to work.  My lobby ceiling is 30 feet tall and has plants.  The revolving doors to my office have heating in them.  The finishes are all marble.  The girls that work at the security check-in are hot.  So yes, I work in a pretty fancy building, as you might expect for the best management consultant alive.  My company has the top ten floors of that office building.  Our receptionists are even hotter.  My firm only hires the best and the brightest from the top 12 business schools, no exceptions.  And no, Notre Dame is not one of them.  I work with some of the brightest minds in the Midwest (and a few from Ohio).  They pay us very well.  So why, I ask, why do I use my restroom at work and have to straddle a fucking puddle of urine?  What the shit is that? 

I have tried to figure out who is responsible for Lake Urine to no avail.  I have ruled some people out, if they were on vacation when it appeared, but I have not found a culprit.  And if it’s two people, all bets are off.  I even taped a ruler to the floor next to the urinal with a sign that said, “Flood Level Indicator,” to get the point across.  Who is peeing on the fucking floor?!?

While I would like the thank the management for providing toilet seat covers, until somebody learns how to hang on to their dick, there are going to be some sanitary issues with that place.  That’s not the only issue though, when are these people going to learn some bathroom etiquette.  Don’t fucking talk to me in the bathroom!  Don’t talk to me at the urinal, don’t talk to me if I walk in and you’re at the urinal.  Don’t talk to me when I go into a stall.  Don’t talk to me when you are in the stall next to me.  Especially don’t talk to me if you are in the stall next to me and know it’s me by my shoes, that’s just creepy, dude.  I want as much anonymity as possible in there, and when you talk to me it is ruined.  I will sit in the bathroom until everyone leaves before I even start my business.  I don’t want people to hear my sounds, and I don’t want to hear theirs.

Oh, and here’s another thing, wash your goddamn hands, company IT guy!  I know you don’t.  I’ve seen you not do it.  I’ve heard you not do it.  Then I have to open the same door handle you did to get out of the bathroom.  Worst of all, if my computer breaks you come over, sit in my chair, say, “Can I drive?” and start touching my mouse and keyboard.  That’s disgusting.  This is made all the more disturbing by the fact that these people are the elite, upper crust of business in Chicago.  We only hire people from the top schools, have a little class.  I’m going back to my condo on Southport that I own.