Alfonso Soriano out Four to Eight Weeks with Stigmata
in
The embattled Chicago Cubs centerfielder, Alfonso Soriano, came into 2009 Spring Training completely healthy, and he hoped to escape his history of unfortunate injuries. Unfortunately, with three weeks left to go until regular season play, Soriano has announced that he will be out for as many as eight weeks with a bad case of stigmata.
“Unfortunately, my stigmata always acts up at the most inopportune times,” said Soriano at a team press conference detailing his injuries, a sight that most fans are familiar with. “We’re just lucky that the Good Lord decided to visit me in the form of open puncture wounds perfectly symmetrical on my wrists and ankles three weeks before the season started. Now I have plenty of time to recover, and spread His Word while doing so.”
The 6’1” right hander complained of upper back pain to teammate Ryan Theriot when the two discovered whip marks on his back, and shortly thereafter noticed that Soriano was sweating blood that was a perfect mix of his own and Jesus Christ’s.
“We were in the clubhouse the other day and I noticed in Soriano’s side an open wound from Jesus’ 2,000 year-old-spear,” said Theriot. “Of course, the blood was perfumed with the Odour of Sanctity, so none of the guys could really complain. It was a perfect addition to the smell of jock strap and Old Spice Swagger.”
Soriano, who has always had a very close connection with Jesus Christ His Lord and Savior, doesn’t seem all too distraught about the recent discovery that The Holy Trinity had chosen early in the 2009 season as the perfect time to channel centuries of religious beliefs into his body in the form of open lacerations on his forehead from the supposed crown of thorns that was once allegedly placed on His Savior nearly 2,000 years prior.
“I can understand why God has chosen me to disseminate his message, and I happily accept this mission,” said Soriano. “At first I was alarmed that my shoulders were bruised from carrying a crucifix at some point in the last week, but I’ve come to accept that Jesus has chosen me to spread His word, as evident from the gaping puncture wounds that are nowhere near clotting and are now spilling a perfumed blood all over the clubhouse floor. I will spread His Word, just as you would be inspired to do so if The Word of Christ had materialized itself in the form of massive head, wrist, ankle and torso wounds.”
Experiencing stigmata generally involves bodily marks on the hands, wrists, forehead or sides that correspond with the wounds that Jesus suffered as a result of His crucifixion. Although the supernatural causes have never been proven, the Roman Catholic Church accepts them as a route for God to channel his message and thus send His Believers on Missions of God. Although the cases reported are predominantly female, Soriano is among hundreds of other men, including St. Francis of Assisi, who have received the Word of God in the form of gaping puncture wounds placed perfectly in line with where Jesus would have experienced lacerations during His crucifixion.
Despite the sudden onslaught of stigmata, the Cubs slugger should be back mid-April or early May at the very latest, and he’ll be ready to take on the 2009 season with minimal scarring on his wrists and ankles. Fans and players alike, though, hope that this inopportune case of stigmata will prod The Lord and Savior to help Soriano avoid any injury-inducing outfield victory hops.
