FDA to start MLB Approved Sticker Program for Every Single Thing in the World

In light of Manny Ramirez's 50-game suspension for a drug that his doctor did not know was banned, the FDA has developed an "MLB approved" sticker that it will be placing on every single thing in the world that is not banned by the MLBPA in order to clear up confusion.

“To prevent future instances of a player not necessarily understanding what’s allowable, we will be placing this ‘MLB Approved’ sticker, featuring a hologram, on allowable items. This will cover the wide array of products in the United States, nay world, that we are not going to suspend you for eating, snorting, injecting, sniffing, smoking or touching,” said Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. “These meatball pizza pockets, for example, are totally fine to freebase.”

While the intention is to clear up any confusion as to what products players are actually allowed to have in their lives, the result is that some topics are a little fuzzy. MLBPA President Donald Fehr addressed this in a statement earlier today.

“Since some things are a little ambiguous, we’ve worked out quite the system to explain,” explained Fehr. “These 1993 Bash Brothers pogs are completely MLB Approved, hence the sticker. Imitating the Bash Brothers, however, is not, which is why you can see this large asterisk right here on the sticker.”

With so many products being MLB OK, the organization has chosen to “super endorse” certain products in specific categories that they’re 100% cool with players ingesting. They’ve chosen a super approved alcohol (Smirnoff Ice), a super approved brand of hairstyling products (Pert Plus, Mike Piazza’s buddy) and a super approved tampon (Tampax Pearl, the same brand as Brett Favre).

“We want to cover all our bases here,” said Fehr, clearly intending the pun. “Even for the less tangible products we’ve created a list explaining the various commodities that we approve of, but cannot physically attach a sticker to, and it’s a pretty strict list of what we’ll allow. For example, <3 and ‘belligerant’ are not on that list, among various other emoticons and attitudes.”

As more speculation continues regarding the actual reason for Manny’s ingestion of HGC, one theory is that the drug was prescribed to treat possible erectile dysfunction. The commissioner has repeatedly reminded all players to closely check the label while purchasing any ED drugs. Sorry for the hassle, Randy Johnson.