I Told You to Stop Sucking my Fucking Dick

I’m a dude, which means I like to have my penis touched. I’m also a huge fan of having my penis sucked, or blown on occasion. I’m not bragging when I say that four to five days a week my penis ends up in some lucky winner’s oral cavity. This is why I have so much trouble saying this … you got to stop sucking my dick.

It used to be adorable the way you wanted to suck my dick, and maybe it’s my fault for letting you that first time. It’s getting out of hand though and frankly you’re starting to embarrass yourself. You can’t just go around blowing me any time you want. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to just get my dick sucked by you all day and night. I wish that you could. I wish that we lived in a world where you were allowed to go around and blow me as much as you wanted, but that world doesn’t exist.

You’re a good friend which is why I’m telling you this instead of just punching you in the face. You’re really not very good at it and you’re doing it at the worst possible times so you need to just stop. You honestly don’t seem to have any idea what goes into a quality BJ. Have you sucked any other penis besides mine? From what I’ve been seeing you probably need to get some more practice if you want to impress people instead of pissing them off.

If you could stop being such a cock smoker then maybe you would have an idea of what I’m talking about. I’m sure you don’t remember but last week we went out drinking with all of our friends and you know what you did? You decided to put Cold Play on the juke box. Cold Play for God’s sake! Are you out of your mind? Then began fellating me when I was at the bar ordering a drink.

Then there was the time I was banging my girlfriend and you strolled on into my room and decided to get to third base with my cock. My lady friend worked hard to get pleased by my penis and I was really embarrassed when you did that. You should be down on your knees thanking me for getting you out of that awkward situation. I had big plans for that night and you had to go fuck it up by blowing me. How would I have explained to this fine young lady that the reason she was no longer perched on my penis was that you had a sudden urge to fill your gobbler with my marbles? Luckily I didn’t have to and I was able to pull off an evening of carnal delight that only had you near my penis for a few minutes.

I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time grasping this, and we can talk about it more later, but I have to go to work. I’m putting you on the Security Watch List so you can’t surprise me under my desk or in any more board meetings. I only want what’s best for you.

Promise me that you’re going to get some help for your problem. I’m sure that there are some blow job classes that you could take at DePaul or something.