If Your Vaginal Walls Could Talk

A lot of times when I'm hanging out at McGee's and one of my many fans on campus recognizes me, they try to make out with me. But after that initial fawning over my writing and my clever sexcapades, the conversation always comes to the same topic: Maddie, your labia are majora biz-zay. And I can't say I disagree. Most of the time, I just sit down at the laptop and just let these walls do the talking. But with school out for the summer and The Depaulia no longer in circulation, if my walls could talk, there'd probably be an echo. Hello cobwebs! So that's why I've turned the topic to you, my loyal readers, this week.

I asked for you to write in a brief sentence explaining to me what you'd hear if your vaginal walls could talk. And now, since my lips are sealed this week (and probably the next two or three until the soccer team gets back for fall workouts) I'd like to share some of the quotes that were sent to maddiehavingsex@gmail.com, as well as a few of my comments. I think if you all got together, it'd be quite a chorus; a Hallelujah one, perhaps?

No habla Espanol.-Cathy, Schaumburg
Cathy, vaginas look great no matter what they're wearing, unless it's racism. Why not broaden those horizons when spreading the legs and say "Hola!" to some new experiences?

I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!-Shelley, Wicker Park
Shelley, I could be wrong here, but I'm guessing you're in hot pink sunglasses and skinny jeans, and those don't make you, or your vagina, a 'sleb. However, Heidi and Spencer are both pretty huge vags, so this could actually be brills.

I'm the Joaquin Phoenix of the vaginal industry. Look, I'm wrapping.-Doris, Uptown
I get it, Doris! You mean like "wrapping" around a penis. How very... clever.

Phhhhooo, Pluuup, flphggghhhh.-Amy, Lakeview
Amy, I think that your vagina may need a cough drop.

Entry fee: Two for One O-Bombs!-Lisa, Lincoln Park

Looks like we had the same biz dev guy working on the pricing structure for our vaginas! Lisa, do you go to Redmond's for your O-Bomb lube up? If so, see you at the FAW.

Like the MLB, please, no performance enhancing drugs.-Cheryl, Rogers Park
Cheryl, grow up. PED's may be out in the MLB, but they're in for the SEX. Trust me, you'll want the help when you start sleeping with 40-year-old divorcees. Or, at least, he keeps promising he's going to get a divorce. It's just not a good time now, with the economy, and you know, the wife that he still loves.

Why don't you take a picture; it'll last longer.-Regan, South Loop
Actually, that's a 100% true statement. Taking a picture will make the image last longer.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!-Cindy, Elgin
Cindy, at least get into the memes of '09 if you're going to try to be cute. Try referencing Christian Bale or David after the Dentist, or a kitschy site like textsfromlastnight.com or LATFH.com. Save the memes from 5+ years ago for your MySpace page.

Go Cubbies!-Ronnie, Wrigleyville
Ronnie Woo Woo, I told you to stop writing in.

A Good Man is Hard to Find.-Jackie, Lincoln Park
Quoting Flannery O'Connor when referencing your giggle hut? Totes brills, Jackay. Totes brills.